Australia Makes you feel Welcome

One day ima go to Sydney to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat somma breakfast. I tells the wetress I wanna two piss toast. She branga me only onea piss. I tella I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate, you sonna ma bitch.

Later, I go to eat soma lunch ata de restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I donna even know the lady … ana she call me a sonna ma bitch.

So, I go back to my room inna hotel, an there’s no sheet ona my bed. I calla the manager ana tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the man … ana he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to checkout, and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to Italy!!!!

The Top 15 George W. Bush Space Proposals

15> Send an unmanned probe to the distant Milky Way galaxy.

14> Launch satellites that can make big bunny shadows on the moon every night.

13> Sell the sun to Halliburton so that they can corner the solar-energy market, too.

12> Determine if the moon is made of stinky French cheese or God’s cheese, Velveeta.

11> Finally send a rescue team to retrieve that poor lost dog, Pluto.

10> Shoot 500 poor people into space every week until decent folks feel safe to walk at night again.

9> A mission to locate his Air National Guard unit that he couldn’t find during the Vietnam War.

8> Move the moon closer, so we can just fly there by airplane.

7> Instead of useless gray, use giant spotlights to make the moon’s color reflect the current terror alert level.

6> Find the black hole that Al Gore’s career got sucked into; seal it forever.

5> Find the Robinson family before that Dr. Smith jerk gets them all killed.

4> The Howard Dean Space Station — complete with Howard Dean in permanent residence.

3> Increase funding to NAPA to help the search for intelligent life.

2> Finally land a man on the sun — Paul O’Neill.

1> Launch a pre-emptive strike against Marvin the Martian based on intelligence gathered by Special Agents D. Dodgers and B. Bunny of the CIA.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Blonde On Top

Little Willie had a gambling problem. He’d bet on anything. One day, Willie’s father consulted his teacher.

The teacher said. “Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We’ll trap him into a big wager that he’ll lose.”

Willie’s father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, “Willie, I want you to remain after class.”

When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, ” Dont say it, Miss Brown; I know what you’re going to say, but you’re a liar!”

“Willie!” the startled teacher said.” What are you talking about.”

“Your a fake!” Willie continued.”How can I believe anything you tell me? You’ve got this blond hair on top, but I’ve seen your bush and it’s pitch black!”

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, “Willie that isn’t true.”

“I’ll bet a dollar it is !” Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson.”Make it five dollars and you have a bet,” she said.

“You’re on!” Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss Brown. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. “You win,” he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. Brown couldn’t wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. “Mr. Gaines,” she said, “I think we’ve finally taught him his lesson.”

“The hell we have,” the father muttered. “This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he’d see your pussy before the day was over.

Knock Knock 53

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Doughnut!
Doughnut who!
Doughnut open until Christmas!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Douglas!
Douglas who?
Douglas is broken!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dozen!
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone ever answer the door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dragon!
Dragon who?
Dragon your feet again!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Drucilla!
Drucilla who?
Drucilla kid you!

The New CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – ?and how much money do you make a week??

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ?I make $200.00 a week. Why??

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – ?here?s a week?s pay, now GET OUT and don?t come back!?
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – ?does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here??

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters – ?That was the Pizza delivery guy?.

Cough Syrup

John was a clerk in a small chemist shop but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Peter, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Peter’s warning he sold the man a box of laxative pills and told him to take them all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Peter had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened.

“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I substituted laxatives and told him to take them all at once,” John said.

“Laxatives won’t cure a cough,” Peter shouted angrily.

“Sure they will,” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. “Look at him! He’s too afraid to cough…”