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Un d�a la mam� de Pepito le dijo que fuera a comprar huevos para el almuerzo.
Rumbo a la tienda, pas� un accidente. Pepito se asust� y se fue para la casa.
“�Mam�, mam�, atropellaron a un hombre!”
Y la mam� pregunta:
“Y los huevos Pepito?”
“�Ah no!, eso s� que no se los vi.”
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.
Q: What is “afterplay”?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.
How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb? 11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Gracie!Gracie who!Gracie for you!
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?””You see it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. ‘If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.’ ‘It’s in the judge’s hands now,’ said the lawyer. ‘Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?’ ‘Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.’ Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, ‘Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!’ ‘I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.’ ‘But, I did send them.’ ‘What? You did?’ said the lawyer, incredulously. ‘Yes. That’s how we won the case.’ ‘I don’t understand,’ said the lawyer. ‘It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.’
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he enter
the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted
him by saying, “T-G-I-F”.
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T”.
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again. He
acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a
quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, “T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it?”
The man answered, “S-H-I-T……Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said, “No, dear they haven’t.”
The wife yells, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One, but she’ll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there’s a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, “Don’t fight with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”
one day, a midget walked on an elevator to see a very tall man
on it. the man immediateyl started talking and said, ” im 7 feet
tall, 300 lbs, my penis is 20 inches long, each testicle weighs
30 lbs, and my name is turner brown.” after hearing this, the
midget faints. once he wakes up, the man asks him what happened,
the midget says,” what did you say?” so the man starts to
explain it again. “im 7 feet tall, 300 lbs, my penis is 20
inches, my testicles weigh 30 lbs each and my name is turner
brown.” the midget is releaved. ” oh ok,” says the midget, ” i
thought you said TURN AROUND.