Depression is merely anger without enthusiasmEagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet enginesEarly bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseI’m not cheap, but I am on special this weekI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we metI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterolI intend to live forever – so far, so goodI love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravyIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 StatesQuantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made ofSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people haveThe only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Author: admin
U mite b a red neck if……
You might be a redneck if you go to a bar and someone gets on a microphone and says its going to be a hoe down and you throw your girlfriend on the floor!!
A Real Wife
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
Cierto d�a, un tipo llega
Cierto d�a, un tipo llega concupiscente a su casa; toma a su mujer por la cintura y, con voz desesperada y cachonda a la vez, le susurra al o�do:
“Mi amor, estoy muy excitado y te voy a dar hasta por las orejas”.
“�No, por las orejas no, por favor, me voy a quedar sorda!”
“�Y cu�ndo te has quedado muda?”
A bar
a man walked into a bar ouch!
Rug burn
Your mama’s so hairy that you almost died of rug burn at birth.
A BBS Commandment
25. Thou shalt not hack.
The Top 17 Ways We Can Stick It to the Oil Companies
17> No longer let the car idle overnight to keep the air conditioning running running for that cool morning drive.16> Start a war against the Netherlands. Seize control of their windmills.15> Instead of a gas-guzzling SUV, use a wagon pulled by a team of Iraqi prisoners.14> Join together hand-in-hand in a circle and sing Kumbaya while facilitating a massive urine spill in the CEO’s pool.13> Deploy a billion Biore strips over the Middle East.12> Call up the oil company. Ask if they have Sheik Akbar in a can. Laugh maniacally. Repeat.11> Next time, go to war for oil instead of for WMDs… I mean to overthrow a dictator… er, to spread freedom… um, to protect our domestic safety.10> Convert Air Force One to run on embryonic stem cells.9> Leave the Chrysler GuzzlingBehemoth in the garage and walk your soccer-mom ass to the corner store for those Funyuns.8> Defile their daughters with your demon seed.7> Get everyone you know to eat beans, then go to ExxonMobil headquarters and demonstrate the viability of wind and methane as alternative energy sources.6> Forgo the Vaseline during this year’s performance appraisal.5> Don’t need a penny? Take one anyway, my friend. Hell, take ’em all.4> Buy all new vehicles from Bedrock Motors.3> Start a rumor that car exhaust is warming the earth, with disastrous consequences looming; watch gas sales plummet as vehicle sizes shrink.2> Stop styling your hair. (Antonio Banderas only)1> Four words: President Ed Begley, Jr. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Painter’s Doctor
And there was beeing a exposition for a famos painter in town.
The pictures were amazing, perfectly painted. But people
wouldn’t buy it. The price was to high.
Almost on the end of the exposition. A men came in, and talked
to the assitent.
“Excuse me, is it true that after the artist dies, the painting
is wort much more?” the man asked.
“Why yes” the assitent said, “What can I do for you?”
“I will like to buy all of the paintings, please, here is a
check.”
“Wow, thanks.”
So the guy went away. With a smile on his face. An the
assistent ran to tell the artist the great news.
“What, he bought it all?” the artist asked. “Why?”
“I don’t know, he asked if when the artist died, if the paings
were worth more.” the assistent said “I told him that yes and he
bought it all”
“What’s his name?”
“Dr. Hank” the assitant said taking a look at the check. “Isn’t
that the doctor that checked you last week?”
Drink?
Why did the guy sprinkle coconut on his dick?
So his wife could have a Penis Colada.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Entra un m�dico a la
Entra un m�dico a la habitaci�n del paciente y le dice a sus familiares:
“Por favor, salgan de la habitaci�n porque le vamos a introducir un supositorio al paciente”.
Como a los 5 minutos sale el doctor, y uno de sus familiares le pregunta:
“�Est� todo bien?”
“Pues s�”.
“�Y ese supositorio que tiene usted en la oreja?”
“�Ay, el lapicero!”
Helping out
What is a man’s idea of helping out with housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing