One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.””Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 5,000 hours of community service?”
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Knock KnockWho’s there?Frank!Frank who?Franks and
Knock KnockWho’s there?Frank!Frank who?Franks and beans!
The Eskimo
An eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic’s shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says,”Look’s like you just blew a seal.”
To which the eskimo replied,”No, that’s just frost on my mustache.”
CAT SCAN
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, “I found my dog unconscious
and I can’t wake him — do something.”
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he
says, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel a pulse, I’m afraid your dog is dead”.
The lady can’t accept this and says, “No, no, he can’t be dead — do something
else.”
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat
jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs
and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off
the table and leaves. “Well, that confirms it,” the vet says, “your dog is
dead.”
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. “Okay, I guess you’re right.
How much do I owe you?” The vet says, “That will be $340.”
The lady has a fit and asks, “Why is it so much? After the entire vet didn’t
do anything for the dog.”
“Well”, the vet replied, “its $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT
SCAN!”
What’s the difference between a mathematician,…
What’s the difference between a mathematician, a physicist and
an engineer?
A mathematician assumes that a series is divergent until the
opposite has been proven.
A physicist assumes that a series is convergent until the
opposite has been proven.
An engineer assumes that a series is convergent even though
the opposite has been proven.
Pepito falt� dos d�as a
Pepito falt� dos d�as a las clases. Cuando por fin aparece en el aula, la maestra le cuestiona:
“Pepito, �por qu� faltaste a clases?”
“Lo que pasa, se�o, es que mi mam� lav� mis pantaloncillos y tuve que esperar a que se secaran. Por eso no pod�a salir de la casa”.
“Est� bien, pero �qu� pas� al d�a siguiente?”
“Al siguiente d�a, se�o, yo ven�a a la escuela, pero pasando al lado de su casa vi que en el patio estaban sec�ndose los pantis de usted. Pens� que usted no hab�a ido a la escuela y volv� a casa”.
Blondes & Computers
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet.
2 Bullets & A Lawyer
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Peanut butter & jam
A guy says to his wife, “I’m in the mood for some 69.”
She says, “It’s that time of the month, but if you don’t care, I don’t care.”
They go into the bedroom, and are 69’ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, “Answer the door.”
He says, “But my face is a mess.”
She says, “It’s just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich.”
He opens the door and says, “I’m sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich.”
The mailman says, “I wasn’t looking at the jam on your mouth…I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.”
Where Am I!!!
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position?
The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!”
Mafia
Why is licking sum 1 out like playing with the mafia?
1 wrong move n ur in deep shit
How To Blind A Woman:
How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face!