What do Monica Lewinsky and a Coke Machine have in common?
They both have a sign that says, “Insert Bill here, face up.”
Author: admin
Tiles!
What do you call a shaped
tile
A reptile!
Ha Ha Ha !
By
Karandeep
Lally
Learning to Swear
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, “When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say ‘hell’ and you say ‘ass’.”
The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, “Aw hell, Mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”
The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, “And what would YOU like for breakfast?”
“I don’t know,” the 4-year-old blubbers, “but you can bet your ASS it’s not gonna be Cheerios!”
No More Labor Pains
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a
portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it
out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for
starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so
he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up
fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to
transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the
mailman dead on their porch.
Colonel
Q: What do you call a Soldier who can read and write?
A: Colonel
Monicagate as seen by the bard…
THE TRAGIC COMEDIE OF KING LEERScene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.Witch Tripp:Double, double, Webster Hubbell,I think I got the Creep in trouble.Eye of Newt, strap of bra,Could it be he broke some law?Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!Hark! Who trespasses so near?Kenneth of Starr: ‘Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m’lord. The maidenLewinsky, so deeply embroil’d, is now join’d by the Lady Willey in likepursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king. Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more movesthan a chess board. His public, well pleas’d with good news of theeconomie, doth o’erlook much. Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he mayelude me yet. Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter’d, may bear his master harshreproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention, to surveythe king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom’d to insects. What’s one morebug? Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)Scene 2. The king’s antechamberDuke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently! Thecastle is assaulted on all sides! Leer: What would I not give for an hour’s peace!McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press inname and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for someexplanation from thy lips. Leer: Who is there among them?McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a host ofothers. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy. Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack’d against a pure soul. Whereis Lady Hillary? McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock’d in her bath, sayingover and over, ‘Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?’ Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all creation.Never have I betrayed m’lady’s trust. McCurry: Whatever.(Enter Messenger)Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth ofStarr, the Grand Inquisitor. Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross’d as I? Why does this man conspire toafflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me. Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah, thendoth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next, to forswearagain that thou tookst no liberties with the Jones wench, who withdrawethnot her claims against you. Leer: I have already so sworn!McCurry: It would seem, m’lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willeyrekindles old flames. Leer: I kiss’d the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard. Neverwas a king so expos’d! McCurry: Truer words were ne’er spoken.Leer: I cannot think on’t further. Leave me to my own counsel.(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the question.Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows ofoutrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing and teach law at a juniorcollege. (Enter Courtier)Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.Leer: What’s this?Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke of two. Sheseems most capable, and with rare intellect for one so young and fair. Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.Leer: Let us not tarry further.(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu.Me seeth I have much to do.And so it comes to this pretty passTo see if the king doth get some ….
You Might Be A Redne
You might be a redneck if ”Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit!
Johnny’s thinking
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
“Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about.”
“Okay, first: it’s round, plump and red.”
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered, “An apple.”
The teacher replied, “No, Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking.”
“Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish.”
Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
“Is it a peach?” Billy asks. “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replies.
“Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
“A banana,” she says.
“No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it has a head on it.”
“Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!”
“Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Country girl
this guy walks up to a girl and ask if she was raised on a farm and she said no he said u must of been cause you shur can raise a cock good!
Flat mate
Q.Why did the frog cross the road
A. to visit his flat mate
You so bald
you so bald i can see whats on your mind!
What not to say in Biology Class
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, “If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?”
“That’s correct”, responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
“Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class…. and never returned!
However, as she was going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic. Totally straight faced he answered her question, it doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.”