Your mamma is so fat she played pool with the planets.
Author: admin
Tales from the Shire
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker
her to at local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other
waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange
noises through the door, “I can’t do it, and I can’t do it, And I CAN’T DO IT!”
In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, “How did it go?” The first
one answers. “It was embarrassing. I simply couldn�t do it.”
The second hobbit shook his head. “Manhood problems, eh?”
“No. I couldn�t get on the bed!”
How Many Sheep?
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand
new jeep cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. the driver, a young
man in a brioni suit, gucci shoes, rayban sunglasses and a ysl tie, leaned out
of the window and asked our shepherd: “if i can tell yo exactly how many sheep
you have in your flock, will you give me one?” the shepherd looks at the yuppie,
then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers “sure!” the yuppie parks
the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a nasa
page on the internet where he calls up a gps satellite navigation system, scans
the area, opens up a database and some 60 excel spreadsheets with complex
formulas. finally he prints out a 150 page report on hi-tech miniaturized
printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: “you have here exactly 1436
sheep!”
“this is correct. as agreed, you can take one of the sheep” says the
shepherd. he watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his
cherokee.
then he says: “if i can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me my sheep back?”
“okay, why not” answers the young man.
“you are a consultant” says the shepherd.
“this is correct” says the yuppie, “how did you guess that?”
“easy!” answers the shepherd. “you turn up here although nobody called you.
you want to be paid for the answer to a question i already knew the solution to,
while in fact you don’t know s*** about my business, because you took my dog!”
Lover Quarrels
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman”.
“Oh yeah”, said Eddie. “And how did this one end”?
“When it was over”, Harvey replied. “She came crawling to me on her hands and knees”.
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say”?
“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'”
Stuttering
One day a man went to the doctor’s office with a stuttering problem.
“Hhhey dddocc, ccann yoou hhhelp mmmee wwwithh mmmmy st-st-uttering ppproblem?”
The doc replied, “Sure. Sit down.”
The doctor then examined the man and in a low voice he told the man, “Your penis is so bit that the sheer weight of it is pulling on your vocal cords, and therefore causing you to stutter.”
“Iiss ttthere aaannnyytthing tthat yyou ccan dddooo ttoo ffixxx iiit?”, asked the man.
“I can surgically remove about 8 inches,” replied the doctor.
The guy said, “Ddddoo wwhattever yyyou ccan tto hheelp mmme bbbeeccaauusse tthhis ststutterinngg iiss ddrrivviinngg mmee ccrrazzyy.”
So the doc goes through with the opperation, and his stuttering stops. Two months later, the man comes back to the doctor’s office with a question.
“Hey doc, the operation helped my stuttering, but my sex life sucks. Can you reverse the operation?”
The doc replies, “Fffforrrggettt itttt!”
More Hollywood Sequels
*”Being John McEnroe” People line up to see what’s it’s like to be an immature tennis star who gets dumped by Tatum O’Neal. Followed by yet another sequel: “Being John Mellencamp.” *”Tricentennial Man” Robin Williams plays a robot who cries so much he rusts himself stiff. *”Double Jeopardy 2″ Ashley Judd is framed for the murder of Alex Trebek. Co-stars Tommy Lee Jones as Pat Sajak. *”The Milk-Bone Collector” Denzel Washington plays a quadriplegic mailman trying to catch a psychotic dog who is terrorizing U.S. postal workers. *”Bringing Out the Dead II”A documentary on Al Gore and Bill Bradley’s campaign speeches. *”The D.A.R.E. Witch Project” Three drug-abuse counselors vanish in the Maryland woods while trying to do an intervention with a heroin- addicted witch. It cost a mere $12.75 to make because it was filmed entirely by squirrels on amphetamines. *”Saving Private Ryan Again” Hapless Ryan returns home from the war but continues to find himself in one jam after another. In the graphic opening sequence, he locks himself out of his car and has to be rescued by a AAA driver played by Tom Hanks. *”End of Days II”Pat Buchanan is elected president. *”The Sixth Sense II”Starring Marlon Brando. “I see fat people.”
Sad Story
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights,Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car!”
Nerdz
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ”You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?” ”I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.” ”Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. ”Why did you do that?” ”Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. ”What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver. ”Well, sure,” says the patrolman. ”But you can’t bait ’em.”
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You wantThe wife means: You wantThe wife says: We needThe wife means: I wantThe wife says: It’s your decisionThe wife means: The correct decision should be obviousThe wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You’ll pay for this laterThe wife says: We need to talkThe wife means: I need to complainThe wife says: Sure… go aheadThe wife means: I don’t want you toThe wife says: I’n not upsetThe wife means: Of course I’m upset you moronThe wife says: You’re … so manlyThe wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lotThe wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lightsThe wife means: I have flabby thighs.The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenientThe wife means: I want a new house.
What’s Bill’s fondest wish now?
Q: What’s Bill’s fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Aussie cricket fan
An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.’Hello mate,’ the Aussie says.’No Australian cricket fans in heaven,’ replies Saint Peter.’What?’ exclaims the man, astonished.’You heard, no Australian cricket fans.”But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,’ replies the Aussie.’Oh really,’ says Saint Peter. ‘What have you done then?”Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.”Oh,’ says Saint Peter, ‘anything else?”Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.”Hmmm, anything else?”Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.”OK,’ said Saint Peter, ‘you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.’Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, ‘I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your $30 back, now f*** off.’
Pennies And Seconds
A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his
own personal problems. The man couldn’t find the answers, so he sought help from
God.
“God? You there, God?” he asked.
“Yes. What is it, my son?” God answered.
“Mind if I ask a few questions?” the man asked.
“Go ahead, my son, anything.”
“God, what is a million years to you?”
God answered, “A million years to me is only a second.”
The man asked, “God, what is a million dollars worth to you?”
God replied, “A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.”
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. “God, can I have a
penny?”
God answered, “Sure, give me a second.”