Yours Fun Portal !
Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
No one will ever know that you’ve had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to
hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years
old before you learned how to wave good-bye.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
There was a blonde driving through the country. She just dyed her hair brown because she was sick of being made fun of her hair color.
She was really hungry so she stopped at a farmer’s house and says, “Hi, If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?”
The farmer agreed. So she quickly counted them and said, “91.”
The farmer looked around puzzeledly and said,”Ok. Take one.”
When the blonde was walking back to her car the farmer asked, “If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a
fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot
of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you
pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay
you $5.”
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”
This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to
the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?”
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer
politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The
programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so
what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
Two guys walk into a bar, the tird one ducks.
Two guys were carpooling home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone’s front lawn.
“Look,” he shouted, “What are the those dogs doing? Fighting?”
The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, “They’re having sex. Don’t tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before.”
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.
His passenger said, “You have to try it. It’s pretty cool. Here’s what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.”
The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try.
The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the passenger asked, “Well. How did it go?”
The driver replied, “It was GREAT! But it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked in the front lawn!”
If You sprinkle
While you tinkle
Be a sweaty
Wipe the seaty
A brunette walks into a bar and says, ”Gimme an M L.” The bartender says, ” What’s an M L?” She says, ” A Miller Light.” Another Brunette walks in and says, “Gimme a B L.” The bartender says, ”What’s a B L?”She says, ”Bud Light.” A dumb blonde walks in and says, ”Gimme a 15.” The bar tender says,” What’s a fifteen?” She says,” 7&7, duh!”
Couples I know recently adopted a Chinese baby girl, and were showing her to
friends. A neighbor came by to admire the baby, and asked, “But what will you do
when she gets older and starts speaking Chinese?”
One Alabama neighbor says to the other, “Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, last night I saw you f**king your wife.”
Joe responds, “The joke’s on you Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Four things not to say in a gay bar.
1 Bugger me it’s hot in here!
2 Can I push your stool in?
3 Toss you for the next round!
4 Can I bum a fag?
A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.
”If you want to be part of this regiment,” he shouted at them, ”then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?”
”COMMITMENT, sergeant-major!” the recruits all shouted back.
”Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.”
The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-major’s love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. ”This,” he shouted. ”is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT!” He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.
The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.
”That, you ‘orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you ‘orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?”
There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. ”I, will sergeant-major,” he said ”but you’ve got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?””My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.””Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.”Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.””Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.””And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.””Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.””Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”