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Rolls with a Bed

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A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.

He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!

AT THE JOB INTERVIEW

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One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with
flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant
blinking would bother customers.

“I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a
second”

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out
until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”

The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin
while your winking”

The Top 13 Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrases

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13> “Let’s agree to disagree, punk.”

12> “I’ll be back. As long as I’m going, do you want anything from the Bath and Body Shop?”

11> “Use the big-ass gun, Luke!”

10> “I’m about to give you one more reason to vote for universal health care!”

9> “I know you are, punk, but what am I?”

8> “You just messed with the wrong motivational speaker, my friend!”

7> “A little song, a little dance, a little can of Whoop-Ass down your pants.”

6> “You’re going to want to put some ice on that.”

5> “Yippie Ki Yay, Mother Superior!”

4> “Where do you want to hurt today?”

3> “Let’s mambo with Mr. Pain!”

2> “Do you feel like chicken tonight, punk?”

1> “Justice? You’re soaking in it!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

His amputated penis…

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One Day this bloke goes into the doctors and says “Eh doc, I get
these splitting headaches in the back of my head, they’ve ruined
my whole sex life, what do you recommend?”
So the doctor says “There’s only one answer I’m afraid. You’ll
have to have your penis amputated.”
Knowing that he has to get rid of the headaches he reluctantly
agrees. So a week later the man goes into hospital for the op.
After the operation he feels he should celebrate by buying
himself a new suit. He makes his way to the tailors for his new
garments. Whilst the tailor measures his inside leg he asks
“Which side does your penis hang sir?”
Worried the man says “Does It really matter?”
“well yes” said the tailor “‘cos if you hang it over the wrong
side you get these splitting headaches!”

Liz and Evander

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With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 “get well soon” cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. “No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down”,she says.

“Ah” says the doc,”this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery.” “How nice “, says Liz.”Thank you – what a nice thought.” “The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations – she is to be trusted.”

“What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I’m really touched”, says Liz. “But who is the 3rd card from?” asks Liz.

“Oh”, says the doctor, “that’s from Evander Holyfield — thanking you for his new ears!!!”

The Happy Day

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Bob’s father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. There were hookers and strippers, tons of food, and best of all, some great porno flicks.Feeling the beer, Bob’s dad stands up and hollers to get everyone’s attention.”I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I’m so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life.””But, Pop,” Bob said, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!”Bob’s dad interrupted and said, “Like I said, I’m so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life.”

Un se�or de 80 a�os

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Un se�or de 80 a�os llega al m�dico para un chequeo de rutina y el doctor le pregunta c�mo se siente.

“�Nunca estuve mejor!, le responde. Tengo una novia de 18 a�os embarazada que tendr� un hijo m�o.”

El doctor piensa por un momento y dice:

“Perm�tame contarle una historia: Yo conoc� a un hombre que era un �vido cazador, nunca se perdi� una temporada de caza, pero un d�a sali� r�pido y se confundi�, tomando su paraguas en vez de su rifle. As� que �l estaba en el bosque cuando apareci� un gran oso. El cazador levant� su paraguas, le apunt� al oso y dispar�…”

“�Y que pas�?”, pregunt� el anciano.

“El oso cay� muerto frente a �l.”

“Es imposible”, exclam� el se�or, “�alg�n otro hombre debe haberlo hecho!”

“A este punto quer�a llegar…”, dijo el doctor.

George W. Bush

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Is a stupid, bad-mouthed, extremely rich Republican�?

LEADING TO A SEQUENCE WHERE PEOPLE TELL WHAT STUPID THINGS THEY�D DONE
Now folks, there�s been a lot of talk about how Republican Candidate George
Bush called a reporter a “major brass pole”. I guess you all have heard abut
that or something that sounds like it. Anyway, all of us at one
Time numbers have done stupid things. Most people don�t get caught on tape
Like Bush did but they do something that can be swept under a rug and they
Forgot it ever happened but today we have three people in our audience, three
Individuals have come forward to tell us how they, like George W. Bush, were
Major league IDIOTS for a day, ladies and gentleman.

I guess you know by now, Indiana university coach Bobby Knight fired after 29
Years at the school. 29 years. That�s a long time at one college. That�s how
Long it took Bush to get through Yale�so that sounds about right.

And today George W. Bush visited a high school here in Southern California. He
only agreed to go after he was promised the teacher would not call on him.