Q: What’s the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary’s aides haven’t killed her yet.
Author: admin
If you don�t have anything nice to say�.
An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor
told him, “You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students
observe Mauna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years.”
After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say
his one thing or ask his one question.
He said: “The bed is too hard.”
He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and
silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: “The food is
not good.”
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words
after 36 years of practice: “I quit.”
His Guru quickly answered: “Good, all you have been doing anyway is
complaining.”
Proof Read your E-mail
Definitely Urban Legend… A businessman from Wisconsin took a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnston, at her address, [email protected]. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter in the e-dress, and the E-mail ended up going to [email protected]. This belonged to a Jean Johnson of Duluth Min., the widow of a preacher who had just passed away and had been buried earlier that day. The preacher’s wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.It read, ‘Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!’
Unfaithful wife
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.
He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon.
He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk.
But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later.
The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.
The bowl is full of butter….
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
If you want to be
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
Eight signs you have nothing to do at work
1.You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis.
3.You’ve figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before
the inevitable explosion occurs.
5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your
ceiling.
6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now
scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names
of all seven Dwarfs.
8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin
Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
Blonde and Goldfish
A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ”Now, what do I give them to drink?”
A friendly beer
A guy went into a bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender handed him a draft beer and left it in front of the guy. The bartender then returned to the other end of the bar. The guy drank half the beer and poured the other half on his left hand. The bartender saw this and just shook his head. The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and resisted the temptation to ask the guy what he was doing. Once again, the guy drank half the beer and poured the other half on his left hand.The bartender has seen a lot of strange behavior from drunk people, but this guy was sober! The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and found that he couldn’t resist asking, ‘Buddy, I can’t help noticing what you’re doing. What’s going on?’ The guy looked at him and said, ‘What does look like? My date and I are having a drink!’
Blowjob
A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, “Blowjob, five dollars”.
He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.
Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking.
The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was “Mom, what’s a blowjob?”.
His mom replies “Five dollars, just like downtown!”.
In his book titled “Quick C”, Al Stevens gives…
In his book titled “Quick C”, Al Stevens gives us a quick rundown
on the origin, purpose and usefulness of so many programming
languages.
COBOL was designed so that managers could read code.
BASIC was designed for people who are not programmers.
FORTRAN is for scientists.
ADA comes from a committee – a government committee no less.
PILOT is for teachers.
PASCAL is for students.
LOGO is for children
APL is for martians.
FORTH, LISP and PROLOG are specialty languages.
C, however, is for programmers.
YO MAMA…
Yo Mamas so fat, they had to change, “One Size Fits All,” to “One Size Fits Most!”
The little Indian Man
Once upon a time there was a lil’ Indian man who was doing
his business on the side of the highway. When he was finished he
got a ride with this man in a large red truck. The man asked the
lil’ Indian man some questions and they were on their way. About
5 minutes later the Indian man said he had to go “pee-pee”. The
truck driver thought, what a moron, and stopped on the side of
the rode and let the lil’ Indian man have his business. He
finished up and loaded back in the large truck and they were
off. About 5 minutes later the Indian man said again, “I gotta
go pee-pee!”. The truck driver getting annoyed questioned
himself about picking this Indian man up and let him go have his
business once agian. So he got back on and 5 minutes later the
Indian man again said he had to go piss. The truck driver
getting outraged let the Indian man out and then slammed the
door and took off. He sped up to 20 miles per hour and he saw
the lil’ Indian man running along the truck. He thought to
himself, this guy is stranger then he looks. So he slammed his
excellorator and was off at about 40 mph. The Indian man was
still running along the side. 45,50,55.. still there. He got up
to 70 and the lil’ Indian man was not slowing down. Confused and
frightened he stopped the truck, opened his door and said, “How
the heck can you run that fast?” The indian man replied, “If you
had you dick stuck in that dang door you’de run that fast too!”