Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married
man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Author: admin
Ah Didna Ken There Wuz a Choice
Jock and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess
approached.
“May I get you something?” she asked. “Aye, a whusky” Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he’d like one.
“Never!” he said sternly. “I’d rather be raped and ravished by whores all the
way to America than drink whisky!”
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying “Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a
choice!”
A newer guy in Bar
A guy wanted a drink. So he ran into a bar. He fell over and suffered a
concussion.
Bloodied Vampire
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
Your momma
yo momma so stupid that when she went to the super bowl she thouhtshe had to bring a super spoon
Drown a blonde
Q.how do you drown a blonde
A.put a mirror at the bottom of a pool
Get in the rubbish!!
Once I was in Argentina after going from Mendoza to Cordoba(a 2
day travel)…
Suddenly we found a hotel… And my mom said “C’mon everybody
put the rubbish inside this plastic bag” and then I say to my
sister(Which her name is Charlotte)”Yeah, Charlotte get in the
bag!!!!”
How It All Began…
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “we need a name that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO”, said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn’t Al Gore after all.
Christmas Tree
A guy farted in a elevator. He took out an air freshner. Another
guy got on the elevator. The first guy asked” What do you think
of the smell?” The second guy anwsered,” It smells like someone
poped under a Christmas Tree!”
A Response to Telemarketer
OK…… we have all heard those funny little responses to give
to telemarketers when they call. However, We often never hear
the results. So here is the stupidity of one telemarketer.
The phone rings…
Telemarketer: Hello, I’m from the xyz company, and i was
wondering if you would be interested in our friends and family
phone plan.
My dad: (Acting interested of course) Well, tell me more about
this plan….
Telemarketer: (blabbing on) ……. and would I be able to sign
you up for this today?
My Dad: Now for this plan… do you hvae to have a phone?
Telemarketer: Yes sir, you do.
Dad: Oh, well I am sorry, but we don’t have a phone.
Telemarketer – Oh I am so sorry for bothering you…….click.
When tried on another telemarketer, they caught on….
Telemarketer: Then what are you talking on?
Dad: We can pick up calls on through the microwave.
Telemarketer: OH! Ok, well thank you for your time… click.
Mars and Venus
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
Second Opinion
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor…
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion! Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too!