A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.””My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Author: admin
Rejected by St Peter
Water into Wine
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he’s stopped in
Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
The minister says, “Just water.”
The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, He’s done it
again!”
Things you wouldn’t hear a southerner say
We don’t keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can’t feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
Wrasslin’s fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We’re vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who’s Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
I don’t have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
“I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”.
Duct tape won’t fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come to think of it I’ll have a Heineken.
The Top 16 Other Things McDonald’s Hasn’t Told You
16> The shakes? Also fried in beef fat.
15> Tell the vegetarians to brace themselves; we have some bad news about the salads.
14> Want to avoid beef fat altogether? Try our hamburgers.
13> Mayor McCheese has had five coronary bypass surgeries.
12> Burgers that don’t sell after two days spend the rest of the month as “Filet-O-Fish.”
11> The Hamburglar MUST dress like that because of Megan’s Law.
10> McNuggets are shaped to honor the states with lenient meat-handling laws.
9> The reason we wear rubber gloves is for OUR protection, not yours.
8> The real Ronald McDonald died in 1969, trying to wrestle the controls of a small plane from an inebriated Hamburglar.
7> We never asked; we just assumed you’d prefer it lukewarm.
6> The Bible might be a series of allegorically instructive fables, rather than historically factual accounts.
5> You can McNugget almost anything and people still think it’s chicken.
4> If our lawsuit succeeds, many Irish people will lose the first two letters of their surname, as did Hammer.
3> We modeled Ronald on a painting by John Wayne Gacy.
2> Actually, seeing you smile kind of creeps us out.
1> “Okay, you got us; there aren’t really any salads back here.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Splitting Sides
NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2002 AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia
BEER COAT
The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a
booze cruise, even though you’re too pissed to remember where you live,
how you got there, and where you’ve come from.
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE’S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG The female erection.
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind,and then fiddles with the woman’s nipples with one hand and her
Budgie’s tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing the double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman’s face by twiddling both her nipples simultaneously.
FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of the Wank Tanks.
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
McSPLURRY
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually f***-all in there worth seeing.
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e.you can see the ‘lips’ moving but can’t quite make out what they’re saying.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.
NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you’d chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-pinter.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman
TEN-PINTER
Someone that you’d only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down the first time out.
X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
Blonds and bunjie cords
what does a blond and a bunjie cord ahve in common……there both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead
Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by calamjo and yisman
So stupid 2
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you’d get change back.
~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
~ under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~ she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~ at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… she put ‘Sagittarius.’
~ she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
~ if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Calamjo
No person shall be held to answer for a capital,…
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise
infamous crime,
unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in
cases
arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in
actual
service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be
subject
for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb;
nor shall
be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against
himself, nor be
deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of
law; nor shall
private property be taken for public use, without just
compensation.
– The Constitution of the United States of America
Amendment 5, 1791
Q: How many London
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin’ mate !
blondes
Q: What do yuo call two blondes in a bag?
A:Twinkies
Un individuo se encuentra con
Un individuo se encuentra con un amigo que no lo hab�a visto por mucho tiempo. Le dice el otro:
“�C�mo establas que no te hab�a vigas, yo pens� que ya te hab�as muebles!”
El otro, un tanto intimidado, le dice, “Aqu�, y tu?”
“Reci�n regres� del extranjero donde termin� mis estudios.”
“�Y qu� estudiaste?”
“RIMAS” le dice el amigo.
“�Y qu� es eso?”
“Bueno, es un tanto complicado, pero d�jame darte un ejemplo: Juan Garc�a se meti� en el r�o y el agua le lleg� a la rod�a. Garc�a y rod�a, rima.”
“Pues para eso no necesitabas ir a estudiar, f�jate: Juan Angulo se meti� al r�o y el agua le lleg� a la rod�a.”
“Pero si sos un idiota, Angulo y rod�a no rima.”
El amigo le dice:
“S�, pero esp�rate que suba la corriente…”