A puritan is someone who is deathly afraid
that someone, somewhere, is having fun.
Author: admin
64 days
a group of 3 blonde walk into a bar a are chanting 64 days 64 days 64 day… the bar tender looks at them briefly then goes back to work then the next night the 3 blondes go into the chanting 64 days 64days 64 days .. again the bar tender looks at them then goes back to work once again the 3 blondes go back into the bar chanting 64 days 64 days 64 days .. finally the bar tender gets up his courage and questions why are u ladies chant 64 days? they respond we were doing a puzzel and it said 5 to 7 years and we did it in 64 days.
The nerds
Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
Lil’ Johnny vs. Bus Driver
One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting
right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, “If my
daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby
lion.” He kept on talking to himself like this.
After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and
said, “What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your
mommy was a whore?” Little Johnny replied, “Then I would be a
bus driver.”
Pre-Mammogram Exercises!
*** Pre-Mammogram Exercises! ***
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test — and best of all — you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible — and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day – and when we have real trouble – it’s HISterectomy.
A Quick Swim
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was
fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
“freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of
ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the
priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for
cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister
and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his
private.The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s
my face they would recognize.”
I’m convinced that in a
I’m convinced that in a past life I was somebody named Occupant, and
they’re still forwarding my mail.
Old Age Sex Life
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”
“My goodness Jack, and at your age too.” the doctor said. “I hope you took at least some precautions.”
“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ’em all a phony name.”
Saskatchewan Computer Terms
Log on — Make the wood stove hotter
Log off — Don’t add no more wood
Monitor — Keep an eye on that wood stove
Download — Getting the firewood off the truck
Floppy disk — What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
Ram — The thing that splits the firewood
Hard drive — Getting home in the winter
Prompt — What the mail ain’t in the winter
Window — What to shut when it’s cold outside
Screen — What to shut in black fly season
Byte — What the black flies do
Bit — What the black flies did
Mega Byte — What the BIG black flies do chip Munchies for TV
Micro Chip — What’s left in the bag after you eat the chips
Modem — What you did to the hay fields
Dot matrix — Old Dan Matrix’s wife
Lap top — Where the kitty sleeps
Software — The dumb plastic knives & forks they give you at McDonalds
Hardware — The real stainless steel cutlery.
Mouse — What eats grain in the barn
Main frame — What holds the barn up
Enter — City talk for – “come on in, eh?”
Web — What a spider makes
Web — Site The barn or the attic
Cursor — Someone who swears
Search Engine — What you do when the car dies
Screen Saver — A repair kit for the torn window screen
Home Page — A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field.
Upgrade — Steep hill.
Server — The person at the ABC that brings the food.
Mail Server — The guy at the ABC that brings the food.
MSDOS — Some new disease they discovered.
Sound Card — One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it.
User — The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.
Browser — What they call you when your eye brows grow together.
Network — When you have to repair your fishing net.
Internet — Complicated fish net repair method.
Netscape — When a fish maneuvers out of reach.
Online — When you get the laundry hung out on the washline.
Offline — The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.
Un tipo llega a su
Un tipo llega a su casa y le dice a su mujer:
“�Qu� te cuento, Mar�a, vengo de ver una pel�cula triple X, y no te imaginas la cantidad de locuras que all� se ven!”
“�C�mo as�, Gustavo? �Cu�ntame!”
“�No te imaginas c�mo se quejan las mujeres cuando hacen el amor! �Sabes, yo creo que eso nos falta para ponerle m�s saz�n a nuestro matrimonio?”
“�Te gustar�a que yo me quejara Gustavo?”
“�Ser�a recontra ch�vere, Mar�a! �Por qu� no lo intentas?”
Y efectivamente, la pareja se dispone a poner en pr�ctica la novedad. Esa noche, el hombre empieza a acariciarle los hombros a la mujer y ella le pregunta:
“�Ya tengo que empezar a quejarme?”
“No, todav�a no”.
�l contin�a acarici�ndole la cintura, las piernas… y la esposa nuevamente le inquiere:
“�Ahora ya me quejo?”
“Espera un poco m�s”.
A los 20 minutos, el hombre sube a donde tiene que subir y empieza a hacer lo que tiene que hacer y le dice al o�do:
“Ahora, Mar�a, ahora, comienza a quejarte”.
“�Ay, Gustavo, los ni�os est�n cada d�a m�s traviesos; don Manuel ya no me quiere fiar la carne; la cuenta del tel�fono ha venido alt�sima; no nos alcanza el dinero… ya no s� que cocinar! �Sigo, Gustavo?”
Un d�a dos j�venes homosexuales
Un d�a dos j�venes homosexuales fueron de visita al zool�gico. Caminaban por todas las secciones del mismo cuando se encontraron con la jaula del gorila.
El gorila estaba sentado en una esquina de la jaula con una tremenda erecci�n.
“Me pregunto c�mo se ha de sentir”, suspira uno de los maricas.
“Pues solamente hay una manera de saberlo, y esa es toc�ndolo”, le responde el otro.
El primer joto mete la mano dentro de la jaula, y palpa los genitales del gorila.
Antes de que �ste pudiera retirar la mano, el gorila lo agarra y lo mete a la jaula, le rasga las ropas, lo pone contra el piso, le brinca encima y lo viola hasta que casi lo mata.
Tres d�as despu�s, el joto despierta en una cama de hospital. Una enfermera entra y le informa que tiene un visitante. Todo adolorido, abre los ojos y ve a su amigo, quien se acerca con cara de preocupaci�n, pregunt�ndole:
“�Est�s herido?”
El moribundo profiere:
“�Herido? �Herido? �Por supuesto que estoy herido! �Ese cabr�n no me ha llamado ni me ha escrito!”
Want some of this?
After 29 years of marriage, a woman decided she needed to do something to spice up her marriage.
She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put them on, walked up to her husband and said, “Do you want some of this?”
He replied, “Hell No… Look what it did to those panties!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis