Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation’s (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow
Author: admin
Why is Santa always so jolly?…
Why is Santa always so jolly?
He knows all the Hoe, Hoe, Hoes!
Breeding
What do you get when you breed a cow and a
sheep?
A sheep cow!!!
Shootin at a squirel
This is a story about a man named Jed
Poor mountainier barely kept his family feed
Then one day he was shootin at a squiral
Up popped up, a beautiful girl
Naked that is, big tits and everything
Next thing you know old Jeds in bed
Hoofin and poofin till his balls turn red
Nine months later he has a little girl
Teaches her never go shootin at a squirel
The foreign man
Their was an foreign man who knew a little english and lived in a hotel, so
one day he told the waitress “i wanta f***” the waitress said “what!!!” i want
f*** i wanta f*** on the table” the waitress answered and said “u better not u
son of a bitch” so the waitress left mad and never gave him a fork. the next day
he went to the manager and said “i wanta s***” the manager said “what!!!” ‘i
wanta s*** i wanta s*** on my bed’ the manager answered and said ” u better not
u son of a bitch” and he never got the sheet he wanted.
The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts
18. Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called “Santa Kurtz.”
17. Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
16. Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
15. Has a complimentary tray of North Pole “Tundra Oysters” ready for the toddlers.
14. After every child’s request, asks, “Wouldn’t you rather have a nice big bag of clams?”
13. The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
12. Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, “You’ve been bad and now you’re going down, punk!”
11. Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
10. Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9. Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8. “Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!”
7. Insists on blowing his nose in children’s hair.
6. Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5. That snowy beard? Nothin’ but nose hair.
4. Answers every child’s toy request with “Dream on, PeeWee!”
3. When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.
2. Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1. While it’s admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
Bush, Cheney, and th
Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter.”Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion… it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, “You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!””Yessir,” agreed Bush.”But durn it! We’re gettin’ farther away from our truck!”
EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was
previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
Of he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
What do you call a lazy baby…
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
One day,a girl was babysitting a little boy…
One day,a girl was babysitting a little boy and a little girl. The girl was asleep and the boy was still up.The babysitter asked the boy,”What could I do to get you to go to sleep.” He said you could read me a bedtime story so she started to read.The boy stopped her and said my mom usually lays down by me when she reads me a story. So she did.Then the little boy said my mom is usually naked when she reads me a story, so the babysitter got naked.then the boy said,”My mom lets me stick my finger in her belly button.” The babysitter says”that is not my belly button.” The boy said that is not my finger.
When he eats his first Brownie
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Safe sex
What is Bill’s idea of “safe sex”? A locked door.