A blond, brunette, and red-head were all stranded on an island. Suddenly one day a genie appeared and said that all three had one wish. The red-head wished to go home. The brunette wished to go home too. Finally the blond was all alone next to make her wish. The blond started to cry and said “I wish my two friends were back here with me!”
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Adam, Are You Cheating on Me?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed
out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around
with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on
earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by
someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. “What do you think you’re
doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
You’re a redneck … you’ve had to remove
You’re a redneck if…. You’ve had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Body Talk
This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, “So how did the appointment go?”
She replies, “He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, “Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year
old ass?”
She says, “Your name didn’t come up.”
Late Payment Letter
Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don’t understand why it wasn’t. Well, I will enlighten you.
In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.
In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn’t sell it.
So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I’d have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat’s ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.
Yours for more credit,
Max
Sneaky Wife
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.
City code enforcement officers use
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.You think Tang is in the fruit group.You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.
Lettuce
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce Who?
Lettuce In that’s why I knocked.
How to Shower Like a Woman/Man
How to Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you
happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile
“turban-head” jokes and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so
as to complain about how fat you’re getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you’ve found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair
for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red and raw.
10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java
Cake bodywash.
11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has
once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body
wash.
12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has
come off).
13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can’t be
bothered.
14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you
get a rush of cold water.
15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
******************************
How to Shower Like a Man:
1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you’ve
walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the
floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along
the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer
belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck
in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (You don’t use one.)
8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.
9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.
10. Wash your rear end.
11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.
14. Pee.
15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead
and dry off with it. If it doesn’t smell okay, holler to your
wife to find you a clean one.
18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your
wife, flash her.
BLONDE AND A BRUNNETTE
A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. which one will reach the floor first, the brunnette because the blonde will stop and ask for directions.
Ten O’Clock All Over the World
In America, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your children are?
In England, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your husband is?
In Paris, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your wife is?
And in Poland, they say it’s 10:00 do you know what time it is?
Nigger joke
how do you baby sit a niglet give up wet his lips and stick him to the wall how do you get him down teach him to say motherfucker