Why did God create Eve?
To iron Adam’s leaf.
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis
Author: admin
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Want ad:
“Three year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.”
In August, 12 men were arrested near Szczecin…
In August, 12 men were arrested near Szczecin in northern Poland as they
were digging up a road because they had heard a rumor that it was built
with a large stockpile of police-confiscated hashish. The hashish had been
sold to a chemical plant to be incinerated into ash for road
construction.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Gabe!Gabe who!Gabe it
Knock KnockWho’s there?Gabe!Gabe who!Gabe it my all!
abstract noun
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
Give Me A Double
So this guy walks into a bar and says, �Gve me two beers.�The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, �Give me two more beers.�So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.So the bartender asks, �What’s in your wallet that you keep looking at?�So the man opens his wallet and says, �The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.�
Dads say
Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father’s Day was.
‘Easy,’ I answered. ‘It’s nine months before Mother’s Day.’
If my son is getting half as much out of university as the university is getting out of me, he’ll be a success.
Father’s Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give me a present that I couldn’t afford.
I’ve got three TVs, cable and a satellite dish; I have three phone lines into the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager. I use two computers, three ISPs and a fax machine. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch the news on every channel every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I’m out of touch.
With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity the poor kids. Most of them know what to buy for Father’s Day they just don’t know which ‘Father’ to give it to.
Neither of my kids ever understood my logic. Both of them failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.
A friend of mine had five kids.
When the youngest finally turned 16 and was the last one left at home, my friend posted a sign on the kid’s bedroom door: check-out time is 18.
Ugly
yo are so ugly that when yo mama gave birth to you and the doctor saw you he slapped yo mama!
Two-by-four
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think. ” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
Real flight announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety
lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane…”
Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell
everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight…!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I
know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s
fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’
fault…..it was the asphalt!”
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of
us here at US Airways.”
You Know You're
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00a.m. is not early.9. You have to file for your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You’re not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that “Bachelor” is a nicer term for a jackass.14.”Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.15.”Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.