- The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
- When something is “new and improved”, which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.
- People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
- The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife “It’s Patrick! He bought life insurance!” Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between “Hello” and It’s Patrick”. And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
- When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat? What, should I eat someone else’s cake instead?
- When people say “It’s always in the last place youlook”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
- When people say, while watching a movie “Did you see that?” No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
- The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind as a fucking bat!
- People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
- People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
Author: admin
Black Man with a White Penis
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting? I’m the artist who painted it.”
The man says “Well, we like the painting but don’t understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis.”
The artist says, “Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They’re not African men, they are West Virginia coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”
Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!
Golfing With Wife
A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a
wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far
the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts
the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will
take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave.
His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right
through the barn onto the green.”
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open
the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific “whack”!
The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her
instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating
to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at
the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts
the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at
what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes
a suggestion.
“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right
through the barn onto the green.”
“No,” the man replies,”last time I did that I got two over par.”
$18 Bill
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. “Can you change this for me, please?” he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, “Sure, Mister. Ya’ll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?”
Math Book
Q; why did the student return its math book?
A: it had to many problems!!!!!
Why do Jews have big
Why do Jews have big noses?
Because air is free.
These translations
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…”THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”Translated:* “Are you still talking?””YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”Translated:* “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.”
I don’t owe anything for this drink
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
blonde Cheerleader
Why did the blonde quit cheerleading?
She was so embarrassed when she did the splits and class rings
fell out from under her.
1-El amor eterno dura aproximadamente
1-El amor eterno dura aproximadamente 3 meses.
2-No te metas en el mundo de las drogas… Ya somos muchos y hay poca.
3-Todo tiempo pasado fue anterior.
4-Tener la conciencia limpia es s�ntoma de mala memoria.
5-El que nace pobre y feo tiene grandes posibilidades de que al crecer, desarrolle ambas condiciones.
6-Los honestos son inadaptados sociales.
7-El que quiere celeste, que mezcle azul y blanco.
8-Pez que lucha contra la corriente, muere electrocutado.
9-La esclavitud no se aboli�, se cambi� a 8 horas diarias.
10-Si la monta�a viene hacia ti, �corre, es un derrumbe!
11-Lo importante no es ganar, sino hacer perder al otro.
12-No soy un completo in�til… Por lo menos sirvo de mal ejemplo.
13-La droga te buelbe vruto.
14-Si no eres parte de la soluci�n, eres parte del problema.
15-Errar es humano… pero echarle la culpa a otro es mas humano todav�a.
16-El que nace pa tamal, nunca ta bien.
17-Lo importante no es saber, es tener el tel�fono del que sabe.
19-Yo no sufro de locura… la disfruto a cada minuto.
20-Es bueno dejar el trago, lo malo es no acordarse donde.
21-El dinero no hace la felicidad…. �La compra hecha!
22-Una mujer me arrastr� a la bebida… Y nunca tuve la cortes�a de darle las gracias.
23-Si tu novia perjudica tu estudio, deja el estudio y perjudica a tu novia.
24-La inteligencia me persigue… pero yo soy mas r�pido.
25-Huye de las tentaciones… despacio, para que puedan alcanzarte.
26-La verdad absoluta no existe; y esto es absolutamente cierto.
27-Hay un mundo mejor �pero es car�simo!
28-Ningun tonto se queja de serlo. No les debe ir tan mal.
29-Estudiar es desconfiar de la intelegencia del compa�ero de al lado.
30-La mujer que no tiene suerte con los hombres, no sabe la suerte que tiene.
31-No hay mujer fea, sino belleza rara.
32-La pereza es la madre de todos los vicios. Y como madre… hay que respetarla.
33-Si un pajarito te dice algo… debes estar loco pues los p�jaros no hablan.
34-En cada madre hay una suegra en potencia.
35-Lo importante es el dinero, la salud va y viene.
36-Trabajar nunca mat� a nadie… Pero, �para qu� arriesgarse?
37-No te tomes la vida en serio, al fin y al cabo no saldr�s vivo de ella.
38-Felices los que nada esperan, porque nunca ser�n defraudados.
39-El alcohol mata lentamente… No importa, no tengo prisa.
40-La confusi�n est� clar�sima.
41-M�tate estudiando y ser�s un cadaver culto.
42-Lo triste no es ir al cementerio, sino quedarse.
43-Hay dos palabras que te abrir�n muchas puertas: “Tire” y “Empuje”.
44-�Para que tomar y manejar si puedes fumar y volar?
45-Dios m�o, dame paciencia… �pero d�mela YAAAA!
46-De cada 10 personas que miran televisi�n, cinco son la mitad.
Hey!!!
Your mama so poor I walked into her bathroom and there was a cockroach on the toilet and he said, “Hey, wait your turn!”