Author: admin

Horse Problems

Posted on by admin

There were three men on a ranch grooming their horses. All of a sudden, a
genie appears and says to the men, “I will each grant you one wish, then I
must go.”

The genie turns to the first man and says, “What is your wish?” The first
man thinks for a while and then says, “I wish for my dick to be as big as
my horse’s.”

The genie says, “Okay, just go to sleep, and when you wake up, your dick
will be as big as your horse’s.”

Then the genie turns to the second man and asks him what he would like to
wish for. The second man thinks hard then says, “I wish for my dick to be
two times the size of my horse’s.” The genie asks, “Are you sure that’s
what you want?” The second man nods his head. “Okay, go to sleep and when
you wake up, your dick will be twice the size of your horse’s.”

The genie turns to the third man and asks him what his wish is. “Um, I
wish for my dick to be three time the size of my horse’s.” The genie asks
him, “Now, are you sure that’s what you want?” The third man says, “Yup!
On second thought, make that four times the size” The genie tells the
third man to go to sleep and when he wakes up, he will have his wish.

The next morning, the first man gets up and shouts…”Hooary! My dick is
big!”

The second man runs to the first man and says, “That’s nothing, my dick is
HUGE!”

The third man comes into the room crying. The two other men ask him what’s
wrong. The third man replies, “My horsey was a girl.”

Make a last request

Posted on by admin

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?” To which the man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?” “Certainly,” replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?” “Please,” said the condemned man, “kill me first.”

Rosh Hashana

Posted on by admin

For all of you who don’t know, Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year. It begins this year at sundown on October 1.

Traditionally, on the first day of Rosh Hashana you throw bread crumbs away to represent throwing away your sins of the past year and starting fresh.

SUGGESTIONS FOR TASHLICH

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:

For ordinary sins, use White Bread

For exotic sins, French Bread

For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel

For complex sins, Multi-grain

For twisted sins, Pretzels

For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision, Waffles

For sins committed in haste, Matzah

For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah

For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread

For substance abuse, Poppy Seed

For committing arson, Toast

For committing auto theft, Caraway

For being ill tempered, Sourdough

For silliness, Nut Bread

For not giving full value, Shortbread

For jingoism, Yankee Doodles

For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread

For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread

For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts

For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough

For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls

For immodest dressing, Tarts

For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes

For promiscuity, Hot Buns For racism, Crackers

For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers

For davvening off tune, Flat Bread

For being holier than thou, Bagels

For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah

For indecent photography, Cheese Cake

For trashing the environment, Dumplings

For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf

For sins of pride, Puff Pastry

For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra

For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams

For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake

For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake

For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread

For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

Remember, you don’t have to show your crumbs to anyone.

Dominican Funeral

Posted on by admin

An old couple in Santo Domingo was puzzled when the coffin
of their dead relative arrived from the USA. The corpse was
so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was
practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the
coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest, which
read:

Dearest Papi & Mami:

I am sending you Tia Juana’s remains for the funeral in the
Santo Domingo Cemetery.

Sorry I couldn’t come along as the expenses were too high.
You will find inside the coffin, under Tia’s body, 12 cans
of Bumble Bee Tuna, 12 bottles of Paul Mitchell Shampoo and
12 bottles Paul Mitchell Conditioner, 12 Vaseline Intensive
Care Skin Lotion, 12 Colgate Toothpaste and 12 cans of
Spam. Just divide it among the family.

On Tia’s feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for
Joseito. There are four pairs of Reeboks under her head for
Antonio’s sons. Tia is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts –
one is for Roberto and the rest are for his sons.

Tia is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bras (my favorite),
just divide it among the ladies. The 2 dozen Victoria’s
Secret panties that she is wearing should be distributed
among my nieces and cousins. Tia is also wearing eight
Docker pants, please keep one for yourself and the rest are
for the boys.

The Swiss watch you asked for is on Tia Juana’s left wrist
and she is also wearing what you asked for Mami (earrings,
ring and necklace) just please get them before anyone
arrives to view the body. Also, the six pairs of Chanel
stockings that she is wearing must be divided among the
teen-age girls there. I hope the colors are to their
liking.

Your loving daughter,
Josefinita

P.S. Please find Tia a dress for her funeral.

Singing University of Michigan Fight Song

Posted on by admin

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the
embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident
that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his
instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it
over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man’s butt. Mystified,
he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of
Michigan fight song come out of the guy’s butt.

Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back
into it’s original resting place. He then ran to get his
instructor, nervously shouting, “Sir, you must come, you won’t
believe what I discovered!!”

Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, “Let’s take a
look at this astounding discovery.”

When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to
see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed
the cork.

Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly
replaced the cork in the cadaver’s butt and said, “What’s so
surprising about that? I’ve heard thousands of assholes sing
that song!”