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Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
“Renounce Satan!” yelled Father Sullivan.
“No!,” said the dying man.
“I say, renounce the devil and his works!”
“No way!,” the man repeats.
“And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?” asks Father Murphy.
“Because,” said the dying man…
“I want to wait until I see where I’m heading before I start pissing anyone off!”
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire, right?
The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a limo, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be! When I came home, I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side. From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A year! A year! Just sitting here! The DNA, the HEM, the HAW! The circus-hype the viewers saw! A year! A year! Just sitting here! Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you take this person’s life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you hit her from above. Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. The glove you see it doesn’t fit The lawyer says you must acquit Acquit because the cops all lied Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried The jury came back verdict in hand and silence fell across the land Not guilty, not guilty they did decree Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free And now I’m free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Now would you please return my glove!!
A man walks into a bar with his turtle which is has two black eyes, 3 broken legs, a plater on his head and duct tape holding his shell together.
the bar man looks to him and says
“what the hell is that thing”
the man replies
“this is the fasted turtle in the world”
the barman
” if it can make it across the length of my bar in 10 mins i will give you free drinks all evening”
the man
” its a deal”
So everybody in the bar is waiting patiently for the man to put his turtle and on the floor and watch it go then the bar man says go, and without any hesitation the man throughs his turtle across the bar bouncing off the wall at the other side and falling to the floor.
The man replies
“two shots of vodka please”.
One day a blonde, a red-head, and a brunette were captured by the army. The soldier goes to shoot them, and says “Any last words?”
The red head says “ah! a storm! look!” And points behind the soldier. The soldier turns to look, and the red head runs away.
The brunette says “hurricane! hurricane! and points behind the soldier. The soldie turns to look, and the brunette runs away.
The blonde says “fire! fire!” And puts her hands on her head. The soldier pulls out his gun and shoots her.
Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
A. To feed the toilet duck!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A young man walks into a bar in Alaska. After many drinks, he announces to the whole bar that he is proud to be a new Alaskan. One of the old timers at the bar laughs at him and asks him if he has gone through the
“Ritual” yet. The lad asks what the “ritual” entails. The old timer says,”Well, to be an Alaskan, you have to kill a Polar Bear and fuck an Eskimo.” The young man says that he hasn’t done either yet, so he and the old timer continue to drink heavily together and the old timer answers his questions about the “Ritual”. The young man stands up and wobbles out of the bar drunk as can be.
About four hours later, he struggles back into the bar, all scratched and cut up. He summons all of this strength and shouts out “Where is this damn Eskimo I have to kill?”!
The teacher had caught Johnny gambling several times. She requested a conference with Johnny’s dad who admitted that he also had tried to break Johnny of his gambling habit. After many failed efforts, Johnny one day (after school) called the teacher a hypocrite.”Why do you say that, Johnny,” she asked.”Because you are.”Again she asked, “why.”He said, “Because you’re not a true blonde.”She demanded to know how much money Johnny had. It came to about $50. She bet him $50 dollars she was a true blonde. She went behind her desk and removed her panties. Then she stood with her back to the door and pulled her dress up showing her radiantly blonde pubic hair. Afterwards she called the father and told him what she had done “in Johnny’s best interest.”The father moaned and groaned and cried, “Oh, no,” numerous times.The teacher said, “Look, I did this for Johnny. Do you think it was easy for me to pull up my dress and show Johnny my pussy? I’d think you’d be understanding instead of critical!”The father replied, “Oh, I’m not so upset that you showed Johnny your pussy, it’s just that…””Just that what?” the embarrassed teacher asked.The father replied, “It’s just that I decided to break Johnny of betting myself, and this morning I bet him that he was wrong when he boasted that before the day was over, he’d have you lifting your skirt and showing him your pussy.”
Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?
Because women have four lips and men have two heads!
A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.
The wife, being embarrassed by her husband’s loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.
The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, ‘Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?’ The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, ‘Oh my God!’ The preacher said, ‘That’s correct.’ And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.
He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, ‘And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?’ The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, ‘Jesus Christ!’ And the preacher said, ‘Right again.’ With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.
The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, ‘What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?’ The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break it in half!’
One man would recieve one million dollars out of three if he
stayed in a room full of spiders the longest.
The first man stayed in there 5 miniutes before running out. The
second man stayed for 10 minutes before leaving also.
The third man stayed for hours and hours before finally coming
out. When he did, many asked, “How did you do it?”
“Easy,” said the man, “I killed one and the rest went to his
funeral.”
One day in the class room the teacher told the class were going to play a moral of the story game. Instantly Johnny raised his hand, the teacher looked over and thought to herself no I wont pick Johnny he’ll have something to do with sex or swearing, so the teacher picked Betty. Betty started by saying, “one day I went out to collect the eggs from the chicken coop and dropped them.” The teacher asked “and what’s the moral to that story? Betty said “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”. The teacher looked around the room and deiced alright Johnny. Johnny started off by saying, “one day my dad was in nam his LT. told him he had to take that hill and hold it at all costs, so my dad sat down pounded a 5th a whiskey ran up the hill and killed everybody.” The teacher looked up shocked and said, ” alright what’s the moral of that story?” Johnny simply sat back and said “DON’T FUCK WITH MY DAD WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING.”