Author: admin

To Be The Boss

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When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss.
the brain said, “i should be boss because i control all of the body’s
responses and functions.”
the feet said, “we should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him
to where he wants to go.”

the hands said, “we should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money.”
finally, the a****** spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the
a****** being the boss. so, the a****** went on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work.

within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered.

eventually, they all decided that the a****** should be the boss, so the
motion was passed. all the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat
and passed out the s***!

moral of the story:
you don’t need brains to be a boss – any a****** will
do.

Candy Conversation Hearts

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Least Loved Conversation Hearts
1. SHOO
2. U SMELL
3. AMSCRAY
4. CALL 911
5. 1000x NO
6. R-U NUTS
7. BIG BORE
8. BROKE HIP
9. URA ZERO
10. I’LL MACE
11. GET REAL
12. OVER DOSE
13. R U DONE
14. SHAVE BACK
15. NO HOPE
16. GO AWAY
17. DON’T TUCH
18. U-R SICK
19. WANT FRIES?
20. YODA MAN
21. DISCO
22. NO NECK
23. WRONG
24. IN-BRED
25. WAKE UP
26. HO HUM
27. FIX TEETH
28. TRY SOAP
29. NICE LISP
30. I’LL DUMP U
31. BAD HAIR
32. I’LL YELL
33. AS IF
34. NOT NOW
35. NOT EVER

Chickens

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Once, there was this guy who was traveling in his car when he
ran out of gas. There wasn’t a gas station for miles so he
walked to an old farm house. When he knocked on the door an old
guy answered the it. The guy asked if he could spend the night
and the old guy said,”Only if you stay away from my daughter.”
The guy said, “Alright, alright”, and he walked in.
That evening the old guy went into his daughter’s room and put
eggs all over the floor so he knew if the guy went into her
room. At about 10:30 PM, the guy went into her room and stepped
all over the eggs, but it turned out that she wasn’t there, so
the guy walked out. When he got in the hall he saw that he had
eggs all over his feet! So he went back in and pasted all the
eggs back together, one by one.
The next morning the mother was making eggs for breakfast but
when she went to crack the eggs, nothing came out. She
yelled,”Pa, get the shotgun! The chickens are using rubbers
again!”

The Dickens

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I’ll be all right…. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

“How does that feel?” she asked. “It feels great.” He replied. “But my thumb still hurts like the dickens!”.

boob suckin gal

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One day i came home from work, when i got through gate my dog came up to me and was filled with excitment.then started to hump my leg.there was a red thing that shot out and it was down below near theese two round things.the next day i went to the vet and asked what that red thing was,the doctor said “thats his weiner” he replied.then my dog started humpin the vets arm and this thing was flopin up and down like crazy.

That Sounds Dirty

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TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN’T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box

7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid!

4.My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It’s an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn’t:

1. it’s not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN’T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in a law firm isn’t:

1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN’T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn’t:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

Blonde Golfers

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Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag,
but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green,
they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had
gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both
using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House
and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and
congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he
asked, “OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?”

The Drunk in the Fou

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A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says “Stop that and put it away!” The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing. “Okay, what’s so funny?” asks the cop. “Fooled you.” says the drunk “I put it away, but I didn’t stop.”