Author: admin

Letter from College

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Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don’t read any further unless you are sitting down …

OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but I’m sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won’t mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.

His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess that’s it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know … There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a “D” in History and an “F” in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great…I love it, though I miss you both terribly…and Socks, too!

P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

Wifespeak

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Wifespeak/Translation

You want: You want

We need: I want

It’s your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want: You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk: I need to complain

Sure…go ahead: I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset: Of course I’m upset, you moron.

You’re so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not over reacting!: I’m on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.

I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper….

I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?: I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat?: Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]

Yes: No

No: No

Maybe: No

I’m sorry: You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?: It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby?: Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god,there’s a sale in lingerie, and wouldn’t these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”

The same old thing.: Nothing.

Nothing.: Everything.

Everything: My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really.: It’s just that you’re such an asshole..

I don’t want to talk about it.: Go away, I’m still building up steam.

Wanna Be Sterilised

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Dear Dr. Dover:I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o’clock in the morning?A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work, and the wife got pregnant.A lady of several years’ experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy… but the wife got pregnant yet again.Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn’t work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn’t get anywhere near her.You must appreciate my problems. If I can’t have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can’t believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.Yours sincerely,Bubba Brickhead

Conduct During the Holiday Season

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Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko’s to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor’s push-button phone during a party is forbidden (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Chores and charitable requests are not to be filed under “Bah, Humbug.”

Rental cars are not to be used to go “over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.”

Endlessly singing “Frosty, the Snowman” under your breath at the mall will result in “no presents” this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Famous Beer Quotes!

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Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years…

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
–Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
–William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemingway

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it.
–Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or as good as drink.
–G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
–Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
–Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
— Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to
thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
–W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
–Anonymous

If God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs.
–David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
–Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
–Michelle Mastrolacasa

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
–Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
–Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven…
–Brian O’Rourke

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
–Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
–David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
–Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
–Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.

I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson

Seceding from Canada

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An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?””What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”

Mental health

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A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

`Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you area manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, as no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.’