Author: admin

Get in line

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A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash.

Behind that were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.”

Pregnant

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”

I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”

“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo

The Coffee Break

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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, “Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let’s get started.”

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, “No way, let’s move on.”

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, “No way, let’s move on.”

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, “Great, this is the one I will chose.”

The devil says, “OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee.”

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn’t so bad. What’s the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, “Coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!”

Tax Return

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There was a man who computed his taxes for 2005 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2005 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a “1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and “screwdrivers.”

The Day the Service Died

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“The Day The Service Died” Sung to the tune of “American Pie”

A long, long time ago,

I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.

And I knew if I had the chance,

they could make my modem dance

with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But, Help Desk phone calls made me shiver

with every busy they’d deliver.

Bad news on the front page,

A 19-hour outrage.

I can’t remember if I cried

when I realized that Steve Case had lied.

But something touched me deep inside,

The day, the ser-vice died.

So, Bye-Bye to Amer’ca Online,

Drove my modem to a domain

and it’s working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline.

Saying this’ll be the day that they die.

This’ll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS,

Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS

if an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool

when he tells you that the service rules,

And, can you teach me how to web real slow?

Well, I know you sold the service short,

‘Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock,

It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play,

as they slashed away at what subscribers pay,

And half their users went away,

the day the service died.

So, Bye-Bye to Amer’ca Online,

Drove my modem to a domain

and it’s working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline.

Saying this’ll be the day that they die.

This’ll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we’ve been on our own

And dial-ins click on a rolling phone

But that’s not how it used to be,

When the mogul came to Virginia court,

With an OS icon and a browser port,

And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down,

The mogul stole his thorny crown,

The browser war was turned,

Mozilla,… was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond,

With hosts unable to respond,

6 million newbies all were conned,

The day the service died.

So, Bye-Bye to Amer’ca Online,

Drove my modem to a domain

and it’s working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline.

Saying this’ll be the day that they die.

This’ll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards,

And stole a million credit cards,

to use accounts he’d gotten free.

And so Steve Case went to the FBI,

and he told Boardwatch* a little lie,

That hackers wanted child pornography

But while Steve Case was looking down,

The hackers pulled his e-mail down,

They put it on the net,

He can’t be trusted, yet!

And while user cynicism climbs,

At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes,

they scan their e-mail for, “Good Times,”

The day the ser-vice died.

So, Bye-Bye to Amer’ca Online,

Drove my modem to a domain

and it’s working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline.

Saying this’ll be the day that they die.

This’ll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter,

The lawyers filed a class-action shelter,

Eight million in lawyer’s fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe,

an hour if they resubscribe,

To a service marketed for free.

Well, I know you’re raking in the bucks,

‘Cause I’m reading alt.aol-sucks.

“Until we bless the suit,

The settlement is moot.”

“If AOL treats you like the Borg,

Then visit aolsucks.org,

Before some router pulls the cord,…”

The day the ser-vice died.

So, Bye-Bye to Amer’ca Online,

Drove my modem to a domain

and it’s working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline.

Saying this’ll be the day that they die.

This’ll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be,

sold off his home in Tennessee,

And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed

when Case offered him his thirty cents.

Billing is the devil’s only friend.

But as I read him on the page,

My hands were clenched in fists of rage,

No, “Welcome” born in hell,

could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night,

CompuServe read their last rites.

I saw Earthlink laughing with delight,

The day the ser-vice died.

So, Bye-Bye to Amer’ca Online,

Drove my modem to a domain

and it’s working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline.

Saying this’ll be the day that they die.

This’ll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9,

And I asked her if she’d stay online,

But she just frowned and looked away,

And I went back to the Member Lounge,

To see what loyalty I could scrounge.

But Room Host said the members went away,…

And on the net the modems screamed,

At faster bits and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken,

The hourly fees were broken,

And the three men that I hated most:

Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk’s ghost,

They couldn’t dial up the host,

The day the ser-vice died. So,

Bye-Bye to Amer’ca Online,

Drove my modem to a domain

and it’s working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline.

Saying this’ll be the day that they die.

This’ll be the day that they die.

Yet more Clinton Jokes!

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One of the nation’s largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will
be stocking America’s shelves this week with their newest Soup creation,
“Clinton Soup”, that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It
consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I
don’t know, I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a
choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what
shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?”
Bill Clinton replied, “No, some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So
far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is
so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders:
integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the
whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to
know.”

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed
regularly, and for the same reason!

Blonde and the pop machine.

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A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine.
Her boyfriend looks over and hears here sceaming at the machine…

“You’re a dumb-looking button!”
“You don’t have much of a future, either!”
“You’re going to be replaced by a much better looking button!”
“I’ve got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!”

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.

“What in the heck are you doing?” her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that read…
“DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE”.

Jonnys new radio

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Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.”I’d like a new bike” says Donny. “Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood”.”And I’d like a radio for my room” says Johnny. “Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town”.So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.”I gotta go tell Mom” says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts “Mom! There’s been a terrible accident!””Yeah, yeah” says his brother, “We heard all about it on my new radio.”Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage.”Wow! I gotta go tell Mom.”So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says “We heard it all on my new radio.”Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to fuck the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks “I gotta go tell Mom!”He races home and yells “Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!”His brother says with a sneer, “In a pig’s ass you did!”And Donny says “That FUCKIN’ radio!!!”