A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers….like a telephone….on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.The guy says, ‘You don’t understand. I’m very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.’The bartender says ‘Prove it.’ The guy dials a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.’That’s incredible’, says the bartender….’I would never have believed it!’ ‘Yeah’, said the guy, ‘I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?’ The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass. ‘Oh my God!’ cries the bartender. ‘Did they rob you? Are you hurt?’ The guy turns to him and says: ‘No, I’m ok……..I’m just waiting for a fax.
Author: admin
Why Women Don’t Need Driver’s Licenses
Why don’t women need driver’s licenses?
Because there are no roads between the laundry room and the kitchen!
Really Stupid People
Really Stupid People When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
Long and Hard
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade
4.
This is supposedly a true story from a recent…
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO’s Land
Operations/Simulation division.
They’ve been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the
case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into
exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they
employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees
and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In
particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopter’s position).
Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used
to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed
the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they’ve gone to
demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided
to get “down and dirty” with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively… then gape
as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at
forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding… and Americans
leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie
wildlife…
As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos
like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place…
Adam & Eve make a choice!
God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation.
He asked, “Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done.
Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?”
Adam raises his hand and yells “Me, Me, pick me!!” So God obliged.
God looks at Eve and says – “Well, sorry Eve…but it looks like you’re stuck with the multiple orgasms.”
Where Will You Draw
Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed an gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress an stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her. She takes one look at it an says, “What’s this for ….are you some kinda pervert?” He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees. She then hears him say, “Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby”.
Long distance romance problems
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!” and mailed the picture to her parents.
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense…
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when
unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
How are the Unabomber and
How are the Unabomber and a girl from West Virginia similar?
– they were both fingered by their brother.
Cruel firemen and the blonde
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.The firemen yell to the Brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance to survive!” The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away…the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.”C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!’ say the firemen to the Redhead.”Oh no! You’re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Redhead.”No! It’s Brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with Redheads!””OK” says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell “Jump! You have to jump!””No way! You’re just gonna pull the blanket away!” yelled the Blonde.”No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull the blanket away!””Look,” the Blonde says, “nothing you say is gonna convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .”
T-G-I-F
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis