Yours Fun Portal !
How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only “This page intentionally left
blank”, and 20%
of the definitions are of the form “A …… consists of
sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks”.
Fred had not been feeling well, so he went to his long time doctor.
The doctor did some tests and walked back into the room.
“Fred, I have some bad news for you, and I really don’t know how to tell you. I’ve rerun all the tests and double checked the results. You are going to die of cancer. There is no cure for what you have. You have about 6 to 8 weeks to live.”
“Well Doc, I am glad you told me straight out though. Now I can get all my personal affairs in order.”
The doctor felt badly about Fred and the next day was at the gym when he heard two guys talking. “Did you hear about Fred?” “Yeah, I heard that he is dying of AIDS!”
This really upset the doctor and he rushed over to a telephone to call Fred.
“Hello Fred? Did you understand what I told you yesterday?”
“Of course Doc. I am dying of cancer and have 6 to 8 weeks to live.”
“But I just heard two of your friends say you were dying of AIDS.”
“Yeah Doc, I know. You see, after I am gone, I don’t want anyone screwing my wife!”
A brunette walks into a bar and says, ”Gimme an M L.” The bartender says, ” What’s an M L?” She says, ” A Miller Light.” Another Brunette walks in and says, “Gimme a B L.” The bartender says, ”What’s a B L?” She says, ”Bud Light.” A dumb blonde walks in and says, ”Gimme a 15.” The bar tender says,” What’s a fifteen?” She says,” 7&7, duh!”
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner.
“Mister, can you spare a dollar?” asked the bum.
After thinking about the question for a bit, the man asked the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?”
“No,” replied the bum.
Then the man asked the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to gamble?”
“No,” the bum replied.
The man then says to the bum, “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket…
The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, “I’m a cute looking blonde and I’m flying first class.”
The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta….
The blonde then retorts, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class”.
Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening….
The blonde tells him, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class….
The captain whispers in her ear…and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin…
The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..
He replied, “I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta.”
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out
to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new
son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did
everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn’t stop crying. Finally,
the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop
crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the
diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.
“Here’s the problem,” the doctor explained. “He just needs to be changed.”
The perplexed father remarked, “But the diaper package specifically says it’s
good for up to 10 pounds!”
Pupil : Please Miss, would you punish someone for something they
didn’t do?
Teacher: No, Of course not!!
Pupil : Oh good, Because i haven’t done my homework!!!
********************
Teacher: You have your shoes on the wrong feet.
Pupil : They’re the only feet I have.
********************
Teacher: What can you tell me about the dead sea?
Pupil : I didn’t even know it was ill!!!
********************
Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word “INDISPOSITION” in it.
Pupil : I always play center in baseball because I like playing
“in dis position!”
********************
Teacher: I wish you’d pay a little attention
Pupil : I’m paying as little as i can, sir.
“According to the Associated Press, there’s a rumor that Saddam Hussein is now
hiding weapons in schools. When asked why, Saddam said, because a school is the
last place President Bush will look.”
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.
“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes”.
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF!
The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, “You now have 3 wishes.”
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.”
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, “What will be your second wish?”
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.”
She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”
I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”
what comes after 49
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.