Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? So she could lip read.
Author: admin
The bad salesman…
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once” John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
“Just look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”
The best agency
To determine the top crime-fighting agency in the country, the President decides to give the CIA, the FBI and the DC Police a test.
Each must catch a rabbit that�s been released into the forest.
The CIA walks into the foliage, places animal informants throughout, and questions all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigation they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI heads into the brush, and after two weeks without a capture, they burn the forest down, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
They make no apologies, after all the rabbit deserved it.
The DC Police head into the forest and return two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
“Okay, okay, I�m a rabbit, I�m a rabbit,” the battered bear yelled as it was dragged to the car.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Deaf couple
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
“The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis … fifty times”
Big b
yo mama so fat that her stretch marks spell here name “big bitch”
Just like the Old Days
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.”
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, “Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!”
Dhe woman says, “thirty years ago that fence wasn’t electrified!”
That close
Football Practice
cornerback:man i was that close from making that interception
Fat teammate: thats cause ur just that slow
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.36. Leave a marble in your roommate’s bed every day.
Blondes and chocolate chip cookies.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: 30 – 1 to make the batter and 29 to peel the smarties.
Cute Little Fart
A priest noticed that one of the nuns in the convent was getting a little chubby. “Is there anything wrong?” he asked her.
The nun replied, “It’s just gas!”
As time went by he noticed she was getting very fat indeed.
“Are you sure you’re ok?” he asked again. “Yes,” she replied. “It’s just gas!”
One day, the priest saw the nun pushing a pram around. He stopped and peered inside. “Hmm . . . cute little fart.”
If a Dog were your Teacher …
If a Dog were your teacher, you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a car ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
As you enjoy the wind in your face, do not restrict your capacity to drool.
When it’s in your best interest — practice obedience.
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily, if not by the minute.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the cool grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a tree.
When you take a drink of water, find a human to drip the extra on.
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often or severely you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout…run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Don’t stop when you’ve had enough.
Be loyal.
Tolerate cats — humans love that.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it, where ever that leads you.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
If God had intended for
If God had intended for us to run around naked,
he would have made our skin fit better.
-Maureen Murphy