Estaban unas monjas prepar�ndose para

Estaban unas monjas prepar�ndose para ordenarse, haciendo una simulaci�n de las palabras que ese d�a se pronunciar�an.

Iban pasando una a una con el sacerdote al frente diciendo:”Padre, yo me ofrezco”…”Padre, yo me ofrezco”… “Padre, yo me ofrezco”… De pronto dice una de ellas: “Padre, yo me doy.”

La madre superiora preocupada se acerca a ella y le dice: “Hermana, no se dice: yo me doy; tienes que decir igual que las dem�s hermanas: yo me ofrezco”, y ella le responde angustiada: “No Madre, es que yo no meo fresco, �yo meo calientito y espumoso!”

Taking Care of Your

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.”Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”

Baby Luv

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

“One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.”
Andrew, age 6

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell … That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”
Mae, age 9

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”
John, age 9

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”
Anita C., age 8

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”
Brian, age 7

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.”
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.”
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

“Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.”
Arnold, age 10

“All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark.”
Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”
Gavin, age 8

“They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.”
John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘Dinosaurs’ is on television.”
Jill, age 6

“Love is foolish … but I still might try it sometime.”
Floyd, age 9

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.”
Dave, age 8

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.”
Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

“Sensitivity don’t hurt.”
Robbie, age 8

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.”
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.”
Del, age 6

“Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and don’t worry if their parents are right there.”
Manuel, age 8

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.”
Alonzo, age 9

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.”
Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.”
Bobby, age 9

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold … Other people care more about the food.”
Bart, age 9

“Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.”
Sarah, age 9

“See if the man has lipstick on his face.”
Sandra, age 7

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are… on fire.”
Christine, age 9

TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED

“‘How Do I Love Thee When You’re Always Picking Your Nose?'”
Arnold, age 10

“‘You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'”
Larry, age 8

“‘I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'”
Eddie, age 6

“‘I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don’t Bother Me When I’m with My Friends.'”
Bob, age 9

“‘Hey, Baby, I Don’t like Girls but I’m Willing to Forget You Are One!'”
Will, age 7

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”

“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.”
Michelle, age 9

“Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.”
Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

“I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.”
Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

“You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.”
Julia, age 7

“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.”
Brian, age 7

“It might help to watch soap operas all day.”
Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7

“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you … That’s why I stopped doing it.”
Tammy, age 10

“If it’s your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it’s a new person, you have to ask permission.”
Roger, age 6

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.”
Dick, age 7

“Don’t forget your wife’s name … That will mess up the love.”
Erin, age 8

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”
Dave, age 8

“Don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind … Love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch.”
Natalie, age 8

Insults 8

Someday you’ll go far, if you catch the right train.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and
said, ‘oh yes she is.’

Someone took a photo of you once but it didn’t turn out. You could be
seen too clearly.

Take a vacation, go to Club Dead.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Elevator

craig david ,britiany spears and shaggy were in a elevator and suddenly there was a parp craig said i’m walking away shaggy said it wasn’t me and britiany said oopsi did it again. The next day it happened again craig said i’m walking away and shaggy said it wasn’t me and britiany said stronger than yesterday.

Six Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back…

“I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

A Day At The Bank

One day a young just married couple were driving in their audi TT. Their names were Harder (male) and Fuck Me (female). Harder and Fuck me needed some cash, so they stopped at a local bank. Harder ran in to the ATM while Fuck Me waited in the car.A strange man with an obvious giant boner walks up to the window and says “Hi, whats your name?” and she answers “Fuck Me”. So he says “Ok” and gets in the car and screws her.She starts screaming “Harder Harder Harder!!!” And then he says “Lady I can’t fuck that hard!”-Jessica

Swimming with the Crocodiles

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything: money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes — anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up.He calls for silence and says, “OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money.”No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, ” OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house.”Still no one moves. “OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes.”Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. “OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle: everything I own.””Splash!” Someone’s in the pool.Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan — he’s all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. “That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?””I don’t want the money.””Do you want the house now or later?””I don’t want the house.””Do you want the cars and planes now or later? “”I don’t want the cars or planes.””Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?””I don’t want that either.””Do you want the drugs now or later?””I don’t want the drugs.””Do you want the girls now or later?””I don’t want the girls.”The rich guy looks at him and says “Well, what the hell do you want?!?!””I want the so-and-so that pushed me in!”

Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to ‘Where do pets come from?’

Adam said, ‘Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.’

And God said ‘No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said,
‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said,
‘No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.’

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said,
‘Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.’

And the Lord said, ‘No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.