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Una viejita y un viejo se conocen en una fiesta que organiz� el PAMI para la tercera edad. Luego de charlar un rato, deciden ir a un lugar m�s tranquilo. Estacionan el auto y hacen el amor. Finalizado el acto y mientras volv�an el viejito pens�:
“De haber sabido que era virgen hubiera ido a un lugar m�s c�modo”.
La viejita por su lado pensaba:
“De haber sabido que se le paraba, me sacaba las pantimedias”.
Was there money on the Ark?
Yes:The duck had a bill,the skunk had a scent,and the frog had a greenback.
What’s the difference between an old prostitute and a young prostitute?
A young prostitute uses KY Jelly, an old prostitute uses Polyfiller.
Female Viagra
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous
pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.
MIRRORCILLIN – A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four
hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN – Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their
spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA – Doubles female intelligence to almost simian
levels, allowing ‘facts’ in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON – Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a
proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without
being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as ‘you don’t love me
anymore’.
PARKATRON – 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse
park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under
15 minutes.
MAGNATACK – Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much
larger than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
WARDROBIA – Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can
safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit
limit.
BEERINTULIN – Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend
alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller,
“I want to open a fucking checking account”.
“Please sir”, she replies, “we can’t have language like that in here.”
“Why the Fuck not?” he asked.
“Sir,” Came her retort, “I must ask you to refrain from swearing.”
“I don’t give a shit what you want,” he answers, “I just want to open a fucking checking account.”
With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager.
The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman.
“Shit yes”, came the reply, “I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account.”
The branch manager says, “I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?”
A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for
it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up, and decided
to send it to President Clinton.
President Clinton was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot
of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you
letter to God which reads as follows: “Dear God, Thank you so very much for
sending me the money. Inoticed you sent it through Washington. As usual those
bastards deducted $95 as tax.”
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, “Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair.” The blonde replied, “I can’t do without it, just cut around it.”
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, “I just can’t cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off.” The blonde replied, “I just can’t live without it, cut around it please.” The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, “Breathe in………. Breathe out………… Breathe in………. Breathe out………… Breathe in………. Breathe out…………”
There was an old lady from hardwick,
By a cricket ball she was struck.
And now it reads on her tombstone,
Hardwick, Hard ball, Hard luck.
what do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you
take the pin out and throw it back
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “That big sissy.”
Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter.Log Off: Don’t add no wood.Monitor: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.