Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable.
Author: admin
New Chicken Farmer
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me 100 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.A week later the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.””Wow!” the co-op man replies. “You must really be doing well!””Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”
Clumsy Waitress
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.
Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.
“… and, what would you like to drink?” she asked.
The man said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man’s lap when she stopped at the table. “Oh my God! I am so sorry!”
“That’s okay,” the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. “But tell me, is this regular or decaf?”
“Regular,” she replied.
“Oh great… now this thing is gonna be up all night!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Frenchman Walks into a Bar
A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of
wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.
The frenchie asks the landlord, “What is that dirty camel doing in here?”
The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the
head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.
The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says “You want a go?” to which the
frenchie replies: “Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head.”
Crazy People in the Forest
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Bragging golfers
Four men went to play golf.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock and bond portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”
The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar.”
The other three men grew silent as he continued, “I’m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a new Mercedes, and a complete stock portfolio!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing
Yo mama so bald…
Yo mama so bald, you can see what she’s thinkin’ right through her head.
Glucose in Semen
This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year. In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen.
A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, “If I understand,
you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?”
“That’s correct,” responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor
girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said, or rather implied, she picked up her books without a
word and walked out of class…and never returned. However, as she was
going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic…. Totally
straight-faced he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because
the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the
back of your throat.”
Pickled Onion Surger
Charlie wanted a new way of birth control and his doctor suggested vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.At a crucial moment during the procedure one of Charlie’s testicles fell on the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse’s desk. Taking an onion, and realising it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie’s scrotum and completed the operation.A few weeks later, Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, this was Charlie’s reply.”Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife’s not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love my wife gets heartburn, when I pee my eyes water, and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.”
Una familia fue a la
Una familia fue a la playa y todos se metieron al agua, excepto la mucama que no sab�a nadar.
Un tipo abusado que se dio cuenta de todo, se dijo, ahora s�, �sta es m�a y se sent� junto a la muchacha para platicar con ella. Al rato la convenci� de que se metieran al agua ya que �l la ense�ar�a a nadar.
Ya en el agua, la muchacha estaba en posici�n de muertito flotando pero abrazada por el sujeto quien le dec�a:
“�Ya vez qu� f�cil es nadar?, �mira que bien lo haces!”
La mucama emocionada le pregunt�:
“Oiga �si me saca el dedo me ahogo?”
Shame & Glory
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, “This is for the shame,” and then the second one,” This is for the glory.”She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, “This is for the shame,” and then the second one, “This is for the glory.” She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, “Ma’am, I was just wondering…what’s this about shame and glory?” “Well,” she replies, “I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind.” “That must be the shame,” the bartender said.”No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.”
Talking Frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: “if you kiss me, i’ll turn into a beautifull princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: ” If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautifull princess I will be your loving compnion for an entire week !!.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it in to his pocket. The frog then cried out: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, i’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want”.
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked: “What is the matter ? I’ve told you I’m a beautifull princess, i’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me ?”
The man said: “Look, I’m an internet consultant. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”