Your momma so fat that she uses a vcr as a beeper
Author: admin
All Lawyers are Assh
A guy in a bar stands up and says, “All lawyers are assholes.” Another guy stands up and says “Hey…I resent that…” The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” The second guy says, “No. I’m an asshole.”
Confessional Specials
A priest and a rabbi were talking about confession one day when the priest got an idea. “Why don’t you sit in with me on confession today?”
“Are you sure that would be okay?” asked rabbi.
“Well, no one will know…what can it hurt?” replied priest.
So rabbi accepted and first woman in booth said, “forgive me father for I have sinned.”
“What did you do?” he asked.
“I cheated on my husband.” she admitted.
“How many times?” priest asked.
“Three times, Father.”
“Say five hail Marys and put five dollars in offering box.”
The next woman who came in had much same confession. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I cheated on my husband three times.”
Once again priest replied, “Say five hail Marys and put five dollars in offering box.”
Now that rabbi had seen how easy it was he offered to deal with next confession for priest.
“Well, I really don’t see what it could hurt. Go ahead.” offered priest.
Another woman came in and said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
“What have you done?” asked rabbi.
“In a moment of weakness I cheated on my husband.” she confessed.
“Just once?” asked rabbi.
“No. Twice.” re`lied woman.
“Well, go do it again, they’re three for five dollars today.”
Best Friends
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “A girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary’s skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “I repeat, a girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn’t get home until very late. That night she wrote, “Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.”
The Island fruit
Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genie’s lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said “why did you laugh?” the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said “why did you laugh?” and timmy said ” beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.
Court Room Questions
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch – and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
Q. (showing man picture) That’s you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Roses for the Wife
Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.
Then she wispered in his ear “I guess I’m just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.”
Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said, “You don’t have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.”
Q: How many televangelists
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.
A walkie-talkie, of course
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
The Jack Rabbit
One day a lonley Jack Rabbit was out running until he hopped along side a horse. The Jack Rabbit said ” nice day huh?” the horse replies “yeah but my feet are tired” Jack Rabbit, ” why is that” Horse, “cause the guy I just ran away from rode me too hard!”
Run and walk
what runs and never walks.
water
Car just broke down
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later… Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later…Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later… Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own blanket.