Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: None, they have a service come in and do that.
Author: admin
Stuck on the seat
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor’s office, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament. The man asked, ”Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?” ”Well, yes.” the doctor replied. ”But never framed.”
Support
What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Did you hear about the
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
Poison Crispies
Q. What do you call someone who puts poison in ricecrispies
A. A cereal killer
Bumper Stickers III
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism � EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.
If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
The Bar
A man walks into a bar. Pretty soon another man walked into the bar. the first man asked the second “Oh you didn’t see it either?”
Father Cuthbert
Father Cuthbert was the vicar at St Martha’s church, so the
congregation was sad to hear that he would be going on holiday
for a month. On the other, they were happy that he left his
right-hand-man, Father Ted in charge. Father Cuthbert gave him
his instructions, then set off on holiday. Father Ted did his
sermon the next morning, and it was a great success.At the end
he said “If anyone has committed any sins, come to me, and I
will forgive you.” A woman stepped up and said “I’ve stolen some
money from a shop”
“For that, you must say three Hail Mary’s.”
A man then went up and said to him “I’ve committed murder.”
“For that, you must say three hundred Hail Mary’s.”
Feeling rather pleased with himself, he is just about to leave,
before a woman stops him at the door, and cries “Help me, vicar!
I’ve performed oral sex!”
Father Ted looks down his list for oral sex
forgiveness, but it’s not there, so he rushes into the room in
which the choirboys are and says “Quick, boys, Quick! What does
Father Cuthbert give for a blow job?”
The cleaner enters the room and says “Ten quid if I
take my false teeth out.”
Ribbons for snoring
Ribbons for Snoring
A woman walks into a restaraunt to have lunch with an old friend of hers. When she sees her old friend she is looking very tired and pale. She asks her friend what the problem is and she says that she isnt getting any sleep due to her husbands snoring at night. She says, “oh i know a good remedy for that, all you have to do is when he starts to snore, find a blue ribbon and tie it around his privates.” Her friend then agrees to try it out that night.
That night she wakes up to her husbands snoring and decides to try her friends method of curing it. So she goes into her closet and finds a blue ribbon and proceeds to tie it around his privates. Her husband immediately stops snoring and she says this is wonderful and then dozes off to sleep. About an hour later she wakes up to snoring again, looks over at her husband and hes not snoring and then looks to the floor and sees that the dog is snoring. So she decides to try the method on the dog. She goes into the closet but can only find a red ribbon. So she ties it around the dogs privates and the dog stops snoring.
About and hour later the husband gets up to go to the restroom and naturally the dog follows him. He looks down and sees a blue ribbon, and then looks at the dog and sees a red ribbon, and he says, “Rover i dont know where we’ve been or what we’ve been doin but we won first and second prize!”
Found in the Dogbert’s New Ruling Class Newsletter
by Scott Adams
I work in tech support. An end-user called and reported, “My computer is making a strange noise.” We visited the site and identified the problem: a pager (set on vibrate) in his drawer. [Editor’s note: Later that day he called the Men’s Wearhouse 800 number to report that his pants were making a strange noise.]
I work on the help desk here, and have just gotten off the phone with a customer who was asking us about her network connection. She insisted that the 3com card in her PC was not powerful enough for her needs and that she had “looked into it” and had decided she wanted a 4com card instead as they were obviously better.
Our soda machine had an out-of-order sign taped over the money slot. The Induhvidual walked up, lifted the piece of paper, and inserted his dollar. He was still cursing the machine for stealing his money as I walked back to my office.
This one’s a double sighting: I stopped off at the gas station to fill up my car. I pumped in $18.50 worth of gas and went to pay. In front of me in line was a guy (obviously from out of town) asking for directions and signing a VISA slip. When that guy left, the fun began:
CLERK: “Can I help you?”
ME: “I’m the $18.50 charge.”
CLERK (confused): “Sorry, there’s no charges on the computer. But I just charged that last guy $18.50.”
ME (very pleased): “You mean that guy paid for my gas?”
CLERK: “No, he was just in here asking for directions.”
ME: “Then why did you charge him $18.50.”
CLERK: “Ummmm… excuse me!”
Then he ran out of the booth, but alas the other Induhvidual had left. I wonder if the other Induhvidual thinks people in my city always charge $18.50 for directions. [Editor’s Note: The lesson here is that if someone asks you for directions, ask for their credit card and charge them. You might get lucky. In fact, it’s a safe bet that the Induhvidual in the story is still lost, and that’s easy money for whoever runs into that person next.]
I am at a fast order restaurant at one of our local universities. I order a BLT. The Induhvidual behind the counter asked if I would like lettuce and tomato with that. I suppose I could have just wanted a B.
My wife was reading your latest newsletter and said, “individual” is spelled wrong all over this document. [Editor’s Note: It’s okay to marry Induhviduals as long as you’re only doing it for the laughs.]
The sign on the front of the Taco Bell in my town says: “We have tacos.” I went in to verify this fact for myself. It turns out that they do sell tacos, never bells. The sign was very helpful.
Here’s a true story: The receptionist’s intercom buzzes, and an Induhvidual’s voice comes through, calling out, “hello, hello?” But the receptionist had stepped away from her desk. Two seconds later, the buzzer sounds again, and it’s the same guy, calling “hello, hello?” Still no answer. Next thing you know, the guy comes all the way down the hall from his office, bumps into the receptionist, and tells her her intercom doesn’t work. He runs back to his office to prove it to her. “Hello, hello?” She responds, and he excitedly comes all the way back down the hall to her desk to tell her it works now, it must be fixed! She looks at him funny, and he goes all the way back to his office, then buzzes her again, “Hello, hello?” “Yes?” she replies. “Can you bring me that file from your desk?”
Just when you think the educational system is in decay, along comes an inspirational story like this one: Dear Scott, Just a quick report about the success of the joke I played on the faculty of Los Gatos High School (SF Bay Area). The idea came from your newsletter which suggested “converting” a copier to voice activation. The faculty copiers already have electronic boxes which require a password to be entered. I decided to convert one to voice activation. On 4/1/97 I attached to the copier in the faculty workroom a cheap microphone and a label with the following instructions: This copier control is now voice activated. Please state your name and department in a loud, clear voice into the microphone. Almost every teacher that used the copier fell for it. Some even returned later in the day to see if it was working yet. It will be hard to top this one in the future, thanks for the great idea.
How to break the nose of a blonde.
Q: How do you break a blonde’s nose?
A: You put a dildo under a glass table!
A pirate at the local bar discusses his past
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.”You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”