After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families.” The Baptist preacher said, “We did better than that! We gained six new families.” The Presbyterian pastor said, “Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!”
Author: admin
Wishing Frog
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.”
The woman freed the frog and he said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!”
The woman said, “That would be okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.”
The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.”
So, KAZAM! She’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. “
The woman said, “That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.”
So, KAZAM! she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Submitted by Danalockett
Edited by Curtis
Honk if you love peace
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Panda eating
There once was a panda in a bar, the manager seated him. Then a waiter took his order:a steak and a root beer. Once he finished his meal he thanked, paid, and tipped the waiter. Then from the depths of his fur he took out a gun. He shot the waiter. The manager rushed over and asked ” why did you shoot my employee?” The panda said,”don’t you know who I am?” “yes,” the manager replied.”then when you get home look me up in the dictionary.When the manager got home he found panda. PANDA:, a bear native from China:,eats shoots, and leaves
fruit anybody??
these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said “because my friend out there is picking a watermelon”!
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,…
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin
with one hand.” The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on,’ and
‘I understand. How did you feel about that?'”
The new priest says those things. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you
think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!?
What happened next?'”
Men always miss them.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Hillary took all the dikes with her to Washington.
Q: What caused all the flooding in the Midwest this year?
A: Hillary took all the dikes with her to Washington.
Teaching Math through the years
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set ”L” of lumber for a set ”M” of money. The cardinality of set ”M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set ”M”. The set ”C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set ”M.” Represent the set ”C” as a subset of set ”M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set ”P” for profits?Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 & her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds & squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, & when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan & medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home & a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices & goes postal, mowing down 16 executives & a couple of secretaries, & gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
Dancing Tissue
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it!
The inmates last wish!
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”
“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn’t even want a special last meal!”
The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started singing, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”
Four Envelopes
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into
his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words “open
me first” and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his
predecessor saying: “These three envelopes will save you a world
of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in
sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and
envelope three third.”
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about
them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes,
and is losing money fast.
After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the
3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: “Blame me,
your predecessor for everything”.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis
comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer
and opens the second envelope. It reads, “Blame the government
for everything”.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his
job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager
goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, “Prepare 4 new
envelopes”.