Author: admin

Getting screwed

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A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

“I want to get screwed,” said the man.

“OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot,” answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

“Hey,” exclaimed the sport, “I want to get screwed!”

“What?” said the voice, “Again?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Writtin in urine

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Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “The President Must Die” written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers “Well, don’t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?”

Clinton says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.

The results just came back, and it was Al Gore’s urine.”

Clinton says “I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president!

…Well, what’s the REALLY bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Hillary’s handwriting.”

En cierta ocasi�n se hizo

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En cierta ocasi�n se hizo un concurso entre los mejores arqueros del mundo. Ya llegada la final s�lo quedaban tres competidores: uno de Suiza, otro de Inglaterra y por �ltimo, sepa c�mo le hizo, pero estaba un mexicano. Como en la �ltima prueba los tres finalistas estaban empatados, los jueces decidieron aumentar el grado de dificultad y ahora se trataba de poner alguna fruta en la cabeza de un ni�o que estar�a a 50 m de distancia y luego disparar con el arco y acertar en ella.

Primero va el ingl�s y �ste coge una sand�a y se la pone al ni�o en la cabeza; prepara su arco. Se siembra un silencio total en todo el estadio. Dispara y acierta partiendo en dos la fruta. Se lleva una gran ovaci�n del p�blico. Terminado su turno, coge el micr�fono y presumiendo a todo mundo se presenta:

“I’m Robin Hood”.

Toca turno al suizo, pero �ste en vez de una sand�a coge una manzana y la coloca en la cabeza del ni�o. Entonces, un silencio enorme se apodera del estadio. La gente est� sorprendida, ya que la manzana es muy peque�a. El arquero cogi� su arco, apunt� y con un disparo certero le da justo en el centro parti�ndola en cuatro partes. El estadio explota con una gran ovaci�n. Y tambi�n, una vez terminado su turno, agarr� el micr�fono y presumi� a todo mundo:

“I’m Guillermo Tell”.

Por �ltimo, el m�s freg�n de todos: el grandioso y majestuoso mexicano. Quien arras� con todos sus contrincantes en las otras fases y es recibido con una estruendosa ovaci�n cuanto toca su turno. De su bolsa, el competidor saca un objeto y lo pone en la cabeza del ni�o. Intrigados, los espectadores se preguntaban qu� era esa bolita roja que se ve�a a lo lejos. Gracias a las pantallas gigantes que hab�a en el estadio, pudieron ver que se trataba de una min�scula cereza que apenas se pod�a ver en la cabeza del ni�o. Para hacer m�s dif�cil la prueba, coloca al ni�o a 100 m de distancia. Esta vez se siente un silencio sepulcral en el estadio. Ni un respiro se o�a. Nada. Como si estuviera solo, el mexicano coge su arco, apunta, dispara la flecha que se va viajando a m�s de 100 Km/h… �Zas! La flecha se clava justamente en medio de la frente, atraves�ndole la cabeza al ni�o. El mexicano coge el micr�fono y dice:

“I’m Sorry”.

20 Reasons Throwing Up is Better than Dorm Food

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20 Reasons Throwing Up is Better thanDormFood

After you throw up, you feel better.

You can throw up whenever you want.

When you throw up, you don’t have to wait in line.

Throw-up is always warm.

You don’t have to sneak throw-up out of the cafeteria.

When you’re throwing up, a bent spoon is an advantage.

You can lose weight throwing up.

You don’t have to pay to throw up.

Throw-up is SUPPOSED to look like that.

When you throw up, you don’t have to come back for seconds.

You don’t have to throw up everyday.

Throwing up can never cause you to eat dorm food afterward.

You can throw up without a photo ID.

Throw-up is organic and biodegradable.

They don’t ration throw-up.

After you throw up, at least you know what you’ve eaten.

Plastic throw-up is funny. Plastic dorm food is redundant.

You don’t have to throw up the same thing five days in a row.

A dog will eat throw-up.

After you throw up, at least there’s some taste in your mouth.

Wedding Night

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A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with
a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as
soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the
new things she’d seen.
“What can I help you with?” he asked.
”Well first, what is that thing between my husband’s legs called?”
”Ma’am,” he answered, ”that there is called a penis.”
”I see,” she said. ”Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis
called?”
”Why that there is called the head of the penis.”
”I do declare!” exclaimed the young woman. ”One last question doctor, what
are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the
penis?”
”I’m not sure about your husband, ma’am, but on me, they’re called the cheeks
of my ass!”

Turnaround is fair play!

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A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!?