Author: admin

Toast Therapy

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Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, “His unit is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.”

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

“Mom!” Tommy yells. “The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast.”

“I know.” said his mother. “The other ten are for your father.”

Viagra User Dies

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A man dies “in the act” after taking viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can’t get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man’s beautiful young widow. “I’m afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member.” “Well I have no more money,” states the widow, “and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece.” The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He’ll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased’s backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees. On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased’s face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the “teardrop” and says to him quietly, “See, I told you it hurts!”

hot air ballon

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there are three men in a hot air ballon one has an axe the
other one has a sword and the other one has a bomb the first man
drops the axe then he see a girl crying he says what is the
matter a axe just fell for the sky and killed my mommy so he
runs off the other man drops his sword he see a boy crying he
says what is the matter the boys said a sword droped from the
sky and killed my dad so the man runs off the last man
drps the bomb he see a boy laughing he said why are you
laughing the boy said my best friend just farted so loud
he blow up the hole town

Eve was first?

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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!””What’s the problem, Eve?” God asks her. “Lord,” she says, “I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.”Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples,” she says.”Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you,” the good Lord tells her. “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” she inquires.”This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department.””Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.”Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.””What’s that, Lord?” she asks.”You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first!”

Actual Directions

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These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!

1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
“You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!”
you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco’s Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
“Do not turn upsode down”
(Too late)

3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
“Product will be hot after heating”
(Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
“Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY”
(As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury’s peanuts.
“WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!”
(Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
“Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts.”
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
“Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!”
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)

Sunbathing on the roof

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Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”