walkes into a bar ouch
Author: admin
Super Heroes It’s funny
Superman walks over to Spiderman’s house and says hey Spidey You wanna Go out for some drinks but Spidey says Sorry I have to fix a web shooter to fight crime tommorow. So he flys over to the batcave and asks batman if he wants do go out for drinks but he says sorry I have to fix a turboburner for the Batmobile because I have to fight crime tommorow so Superman Walks backover to his place and on the way he sees wonder woman getting undressed in a hotel room and he really wants to fuck her so he flys through really fast. Meanwhile in the hotel room Wonder Woman says Wow what was that and then the invisible man says I have no Idea but my ass hurts.
Geriatric Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”The man answered, “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.”The pharmacist said, “That won’t do you any good.”The elderly gentleman said, “That’s alright. I don’t need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my shoes.”
Wipe your butt with a dollar.
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said “That was fast.”
“Well I need to take a shit but I’ve got nothing to wipe my ass with.”
The other answers, “That’s easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.”
“O.K.” he says as he goes back over to the bush.
Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says “That was a terrible idea.
Not only did I get shit all over me, I’ve got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!”
There are two rules for
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don’t tell people everything you know.
Weird Animals
Q: Why do elephants paint there balls red in the summer?
A: To hide up in cherry trees!
Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: Monkeys eating cherrys!!!
get it??
Join the Army
A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, “IF YOU DON”T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I’LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!”A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, “did you jump?”The boy said, “A little at first!”
Computer Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”
Erase una vez una persona
Erase una vez una persona jorobada, que iba caminando tranquilamente por la calle.
Un calvo la vio y le grit�:
“�Eh! �Qu� llevas en la mochila?”}
A lo que el jorobado respondi�:
“�Tu peine, capullo!”
American History 101
It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.
“Who said, ‘Give me Liberty or give me Death’ ?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki’s
“Patrick Henry 1775,” he said.
“Very good! Who said ‘…government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’?”
Again, no response, except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper, “Screw the Japs.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Suzuki raised his hand: “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”
At that point a student said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Who said that?”
Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
With near mob hysteria, someone screams, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Suzuki yells, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”
At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.
One of the kids says, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!”
Suzuki says, “Arthur Andersen, 2002.”
The inventor of
The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
The Shooting
An old lady’s husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live
anymore. She called the doctor and asked exactly where her heart was. He told
her it should be under her left breast.
That night she went to the emergency room with a shot in the knee.