Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?
Because men can see better than the they can think.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Author: admin
Prostitute Parrots
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.””What do they say?”, the priest asked.”They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?””That’s terrible”, the priest exclaimed, “But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.””Thank you.” said the lady.So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?”One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,”Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered”
The “real story” of the three bears..
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge,” he squeaks?
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge!,” he roars?
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells –
“For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this?”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who got up first.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who woke everybody else in the house up.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who made the Coffee.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who set the table.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water & food dish.”
“And, now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace ‘Momma Bear’ with your presence, …listen good, ’cause I’m only going to say this one time…
“I haven’t made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!”
If you tied buttered toast
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
what would happen?
University of Illinois Football Exam
University of Illinois Entrance exam
Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – or –
give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:
a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean c. lead an army
d. write a play
4. What religion is the Pope? a. Jewish
b. Catholic c. Hindu d. Polish e. Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion – – how many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)
8. What are the people in America’s far north called?
a.westerners b. southerners c. easterners d. northerners
9. Spell – Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy’s b. 7-11 c. Canada
d. The Sky
12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
a. yes b. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium – or – spell
your name in block letters.
16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York b. FLORIDA c. Canada d. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?
20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C. b. A.D. c. STILL WAITING
* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY
Candybars
There was this boy who had this babe of a teacher. She was
hooked on candybars. The boy really wanted to see this chick
naked.
When she was about to go home, he said to her, can I go home
with you. “No,” the teacher replied. He then said, “I’ll give
you a candybar.” So she agreed.
When she was about to get into the shower, he asked her, “Can I
get in with you?” And again the teacher said no, and again the
boy said, “I’ll give you a candybar.” And she said yes.
Then when she was about to get into bed, he asked, “Can I sleep
with you?” Again the teacher refused, the boy again said, “I’ll
give you a candybar.” And again she said yes.
Well the boy asked if he could touch her belly button, she said,
no and he said, “I’ll give you a candybar.”
Suddenly the teacher said, “Hey that ain’t my belly button!” The
boy replied, “That ain’t my finger!”
Camel Rental In Iraq
Two Iraqis went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel.
The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, “Where is my camel?”
The Iraqis replied, “Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel!’ So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!”
The Diagnosis!
There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang, “Doctor, please help me find out what’s wrong with me!”
So Dr. Chang said, “Take off all yu cwothes.” So she did.
Then he said, “Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.” So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said, “I know what wong with yu…
Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!”
The lady asked, “What the heck is that?!”
Dr. Chang replied, “Dat’s wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt”!
Bin Laden’s Ruski Proposition
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war… I’ll hide from you too!
Cum again
It’s Mark’s first time visiting a whorehouse. He rings the bell and a
beautiful woman answers the door and invites him in.Mark goes upstairs with the
beautiful girl. As she starts taking down his pants, he gets too excited, and
shoots his wad.
She says, “Can you come again?”
He says, “Sure. I live right around the corner.”
Children and spouses
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”
Al Gore thought
Al Gore thought it would be a good idea . . .
. . . if he could get a better feel for the top job by leaving the VP’s
residence and spending the remaining nights of the campaign as Mr. Clinton’s
special guest at the White House. Mr. Gore was directed as all guests are, to
the Lincoln Bedroom.
On the first night he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost….
“George…what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Gore asked.
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.
With all the excitement, Gore couldn’t sleep well and the next night the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing
I could do to help the country?” Gore asked.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” advised Jefferson.
Gore still couldn’t sleep well and the next night he saw another figure moving
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I
could do to help the country?”, Gore asked.
Abe replied, “Go to the theater!”