yo momma so ugly when she was a baby her dad had to tie porkchops around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Author: admin
How many Filipinoes does it take to screw…
How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don’t know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
God gave to Adam
God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?”
Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”
God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. You’ll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect.”
Adam replies, “Wonderful! But what’s the bad news?”
God says, “I’m only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time.”
TV!
There was a a blonde and went
into a store and she asked the man
if she buy this micorwave an the
man said your a blonde you cant buy it.
So she went and got her hair died brown and she went back and asked if she can buy this micorwave and
he said you cant buy this your a blonde so she died her hair black
and she went back and asked him if she can buy this micorwave
he said no your a blonde and she asked him why cant i buy this micorwave, because it is a TV!
Baked beans and their delightful tune
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent
that they would marry, he thought to him, “She’ll never go for me carrying on
like that,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked
beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car
broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told
her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had
several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he
got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings
of baked beans. All the way home he ‘putt-putted’. He ‘putted’ down one hill and
‘putt-putted’ up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
“Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to
answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a
hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He
had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and ‘rrriiiipppp!’ It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would
dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real
blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a
minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping
his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his
wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he
neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.
After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
“Surprise!!!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
What Would You Like For Breakfast?
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee”.
He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.
At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”
Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”
Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
Exemptions Denied
Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995’s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you, I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive.
It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jaclyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses.
In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria.
I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me!
It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r’s. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.
If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.
AUBURN SEASON TICKETS
Auburn University has announced that they will be offering season tickets to
attend the trials of their football players since most of them have cases
pending before the Lee County Circuit Court.
This package may be purchased in conjunction with regular season tickets to
football games. Limited seating is available in the Lee County Courthouse so
place your orders in advance.
Please, no wagering on the outcome of the trials. Alcoholic beverages are not
allowed in Jordan-Hare Stadium or Lee County Courthouse. Seat cushions are
welcome, however, please refrain from bringing shakers (pom-poms) into the
courtroom. People shouting “WAAAAAAARRRRR EEAAAGLE” during the trials will be
removed by the bailiff. Tailgating is encouraged.
The Tiger Walk will take place from the Lee County Jail to the courtroom, led
by Head Coach Tommy Tubberville. DON’T WORRY! THE PLAYERS WILL BE IN ORANGE!
Yo mamas so old
yo mamas so old when she went to shool they didnt have history
Luke Skywalker
One day, Luke Skywalker and Obi-One came into a Chinese
Resturant. They ordered the food and then sat down to eat. “Damm
it!” cried Luke, “These sticks are so hard.” As Luke’s face grew
livid with rage, Obi-One calmly replied, “Use the forks, Luke,
use the forks.”
Trial
Having been propositioned by a well-defined and uptown prostitute one
evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the
young lady for the sum of $500.00. After the evening ended the gentleman handed
the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and
threatened to sue if she didn’t get it. “That’s a laugh!” the man stated, “I’d
like to see you try.” A few days later the man was surprised to receive a
summons ordering him to appear in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. The man
hurried to his lawyer’s office and explained the details of the case. His lawyer
said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it
will be interesting to see how she presents her case.” After the usual
preliminaries, the parties appeared in court ready for trial.
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender,…
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one,
Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and
knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'”