Author: admin

My Dear Husband

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My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it.

I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,

Your Wife

Old Lady and the Biker Gang

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A little old lady wanted to join a motorcycle gang. She knocked on the door of the local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.”I want to join your biker club,” she proclaims.The amused biker told her that she needed to meet certain requirements before she was allowed to join. First he asks, “You have a bike?””Yeah,” the little old lady says, pointing to a Harley parked in the driveway. “That’s my Harley over there.””Hmmm,” the biker replies. “Do you smoke?””Yeah, I smoke,” says the little old gal. “I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.” The biker is impressed and asks, “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?”The little old lady thinks for a moment, then she says, “No,never been picked up by the fuzz. But I have been swung around by my nipples a few times!”

Merry Christmas

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the houseNot a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.The stockings were hung by the modem with careIn hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.The children were nestled all snug in their beds,While visions of computer games danced in their heads.Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,To [email protected] -Which has now been re-routed to Washington StateBecause Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddleTo flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the wayFrom where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preensIn black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.The elves have stock options and desks with a view,Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums(ahem – pardon me)No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drumsWill be under the tree, only compact disk ROMSWith the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.More rapid than eagles the competitors came,And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.’Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist -Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.Get ’em young, keep ’em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!’And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.And there on the screen was a smiling Bill GatesNext to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Squirrels in church

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There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian
church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creations.

So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution:

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

The Top 15 Scenes in “The Passion of the Scientolgists”

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15> Twenty agonizing minutes of Nicole Kidman brutally beating Tom Cruise with an e-meter.

14> The “On this rock I will build my church,” speech uttered by P. T. Barnum.

13> A shirtless John Travolta is whipped bloody with the raw film stock of “Battlefield: Earth.”

12> Tom Cruise is sentenced to a lifetime of physical torture by Pontius Pilates.

11> L. Ron being nailed by the tax collectors.

10> A gripping metaphorical chariot race from the city of Engramemnon to the State of Clear between the reluctant hero Cognitus and his rival Banquo Accounticus.

9> Searching for the promised land, Tom Cruise’s brain cells launch an exodus from his head.

8> L. Ron Hubbard storms into the temple to show the money-changers how it’s done.

7> The prophet’s explanation of the religion and the accompanying plague of laughter.

6> John Travolta denies being gay three times.

5> The fleecing of the flock, during which L. Ron astonishes his followers by turning water into dihydrogen monoxide.

4> Mary Magdalene tells Tom Cruise’s Jesus, “You had me at ‘Blessed are the peacemakers.'”

3> With only three fish and a couple loaves of bread, L. Ron feeds the multitudes a line of complete bullshit.

2> Suspended in martyrdom on the cross, Tom Cruise finally realizes his dream of experiencing what it’s like to see over people’s heads.

1> During the last supper, John Travolta *really* puts away the spaghetti.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Signs That You are T

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You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor… Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: ‘Hi my name is… uh…’ Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I’m as sober as a judge. The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.

Ventriloquist Cowboy

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A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”

Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin alright”

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)…… “Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!”

Ethnic Goldmine!

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There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.

—————–
Q: What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk!

—————–
Q: Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?
A: When they came over to this country, they had “To NY” stamped on their foreheads.

—————–
A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, “Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?”
The Saudi replies, “Excuse me, what’s a ‘shortage’?”
The Russian replies, “Excuse me, what’s meat?”
The North Korean replies, “Excuse me, what’s an opinion?”
Finally, the American replies, “What’s ‘Excuse me?'”

—————–
Q: What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?
A: A ride on lawn-mower.

—————–
Why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship, they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

—————–
One day, a Newfoundlander was rowing his boat back home after catching some fish singing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”. Meanwhile, some aliens decided to test his intelligence.

They took out 1/4 of his brain and still he sang, “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”.
They took out another 1/4 of his brain, and still he sang “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”.

They finally took all of his brains out. The Newfoundlander shook a bit, then started singing “Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques…”

—————–
HEAVEN Vs. HELL
Heaven: An American salary. A British home. Chinese food. A Japanese wife.
Hell: A Chinese salary. A Japanese home. British food. An American wife.

—————–
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped down his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry native Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll whip your butt!”

—————–
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

Can You Spare a Few Dollars?

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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.”

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”