Author: admin

Bicycle Safety Violation Ticket

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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop
says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.” The cop says, “Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides
off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah,
he sure did.” The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

Welcome to the Psychiatrict Hotline…

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“Hello…Welcome to the Psychiatrict Hotline…

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependant, ask someone to press 2.

If you are a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call.

If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will tell you what to do.

If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter what you do, nobody cares anyway.”

Bottom Deodorant

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A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don’t stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, “One moment please, I will get the chemist.”

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, “Can I help you miss?”

“I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please,” says the blonde. “I’m sorry,” says the chemist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde. “Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” Said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her “This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant”.

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Too much Coffee

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You know you’re drinking too much coffee when…

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named “Joe”.
You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You can’t even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.