A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As
soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”
Author: admin
Top 10 Signs You Are
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over.
6. People say, ”Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, ”Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Magazine that Clinton hate?
What magazine does Clinton hate?
WIRED.
Becker’s Law: It is
Becker’s Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. – Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, “…once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee’s incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.”)
Bad Breath
A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor’s advice because his breath smells terrible.
The doctor examines him and says:
“Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids!”
Essay Writing Guide
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you return to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make sure you understand it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade… You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
9. Go check your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to your favorite CD and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper.
11. Listen to another one.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university and the world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowler’s Tour, sewing shows, or any movie starring Don Ameche.
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper and turn it in with minutes to spare.
How does Laura know?
How does Laura bush know when her daughters are having their periods? When
George�s cock tastes funny.
Apple iDump
![[Image]](http://jokeindex.com/images/idump.gif)
Top 10 Reasons MS Wants to Buy Group Health’s Eastside Hospital
10. Place to treat MSFT ”Post Stock Split” depression (for those who bought too late). 9. Great place to store copies of Microsoft Bob. 8. Marketing though it was a real cool place to develop MS Anti-Virus. 7. Testing facility for MS HMO Version 1.0 6. Cheaper than Bill’s house – and has 4 more beds. 5. First stage of master plan to implant Intel/Windows control chips in MS Employees. 4. Efficient way to distribute Prozac to Windows 98 Developers. 3. Psychiatric ward AKA ”store house” for those people that insist on using OS/2 Warp, Mac and ”other” operating systems. 2. Melinda said she needed a nursery.And the number one reason… Need recovery ward for those who installed IE 4.0
I spilt spot remover on my dog, now’s he gone….
I spilt spot remover on my dog, now’s he gone.
– Steven Wright
54
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that’s what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that’s what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
Strap It Down
This guy has a problem and goes to the doctor. The doctor asks,
“What’s the problem?” The guy pulls down his pants and pulls out
his rather large and fat penis. The doctor asks, “That’s your
problem?” The guy replies, “Yes. Everytime I go on a date I
smell the girl’s perfume and when we get close I get this tent
in my pants and it scares the girl off!” The doctor says, “I
can’t give medication for this. But I have a suggestion. Next
time you go on a date try strapping it to your leg and that
should hold it down.”
A couple of days later the doctor ran into the guy on the street
and asked, “So, how did it go?”
The guy replied, “I strapped it to my leg like you told me. Then
I went on the date with the girl and everything was going well
until it came time to take her home. I walked her up to the
porch and she told me that she had a great time. Then we kissed.
While kissing she dropped her purse. When she bent down to pick
it up I got a shot down her shirt and I got excited and kicked
her right in the face!”