- If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man
– he will find an easier way to do it.
Author: admin
Blonde off a mountain?
Why did the blonde jump of the mountain?
She thought he maxi- pad had wings.
Can’t Argue With That Logic
A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are
driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the
car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.
The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. “Time to buy a new car!” he announces.
Says the hardware engineer, “Well, first let’s try swapping the front and
rear tires, and see if that fixes it.”
Replies the software engineer, “Now, let’s just try driving the car again,
and maybe the problem will go away by itself.”
There are two kinds of
There are two kinds of people in the South — good ole boys and
rednecks. The difference is good old boys may raise livestock,
rednecks get emotionally attached.
– Blake Clark
Tyson Excuses!
The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear:
10. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off”
9. Really wanted to win first prize on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”
8. Like this doesn’t happen every year in the Masters
7. Whenever Moe bites Curly’s ear, it’s hilarious!
6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith
5. I guess you’ve never heard of a little thing called “strategy”
4. Ears is tasty
3. It was self-defense — he wouldn’t stop punching me!
2. “Disqualified” sounds better than “got his ass kicked all over the ring”
1. He ran out of gum
Job Interview
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands
the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and
notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been
fired from every job.”
“Yes,” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”
Amnesia
knock knock?
Who’s there?
Amnesia.
Amnesia who?
See? you forgot too!
En la parada del autob�s,
En la parada del autob�s, un nutrido grupo espera, en apretada l�nea, su turno subir al veh�culo. Entonces, le llega el turno a una bella joven que viste botas altas y una chaqueta a juego con una peque�a minifalda de cuero. La chica se percata que el escal�n de acceso al autob�s es tan alto, que la mini le va a impedir subir. Sonrojada por la pena, se lleva las manos atr�s, buscando la cremallera, la localiza, la baja un tanto y se dispone a subir. �Nada! Todav�a la falda le impide levantar la pierna para alcanzar el escal�n.
Avergonzada, mira al chofer, sonr�e t�midamente y, de nuevo, se lleva las manos atr�s y baja un poco m�s la cierre. Pese a todo, todav�a la minifalda le impide levantar la pierna para subir.
La gente que espera en l�nea comienza a incomodarse y a protestar. En aquel momento, el fornido tipo que esperaba su turno detr�s de ella, la toma por la cintura, y con facilidad la sube al �mnibus como si fuera una pluma. La muchacha, furiosa, se vuelve al desconocido y le increpa:
“�C�mo se atreve a tocarme, descarado! �Yo no s� qui�n es usted, fresco!”
Y el hombret�n, encogi�ndose de hombros, le responde:
“Lo siento, se�orita, pens� que despu�s de haber tratado de abrirme la bragueta dos veces seguidas ya �ramos amigos, �o no?”
Outside a Church:…
Outside a Church:
Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!
Movie’s of the 80’s
Guess the following movie quotes. All movies were released between the years 1980 and 1989. Comedies, dramas, action, etc. Some are quite simple, and others are more difficult. There are 37 items, followed by the answers at the bottom, so you may wish to save reading this for a less hectic portion of your day. 1) Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison? 2) We’re on a mission from God. 3) People on ‘ludes should not drive. 4) This house is clean. 5) Shall we play a game? 6) Terrific!! I’ve got a trig mid-term tomorrow, and I’m being chased by Guido the killer pimp. 7) Back off man, I’m a scientist. 8) That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else. 9) I know a little German. He’s sitting over there.10) Can I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo.11) Excuse me, Dick, I mean Rich, will milk be provided for us?12) There are several quitessential moments in a man’s life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.13) You don’t have time to think up there. If you think, you’re dead.14) Come on guys, by the time we get there the kid won’t be dead anymore.15) I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel with you.16) Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. 17) Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn’t we keep the PC on the QT? Cause of the leaks to the VC, he could end up MIA and then we’d all be put out in KP.18) Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues.19) I’m the ghost with the most, babe.20) I’m an excellent driver.21) A hundred million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with smaller feet than my sister. 22) Now if it was a collect call, that would have been daring.23) I believe in long, slow, deep soft wet kisses that last three days.24) Christmas is over, and business is business.25) Men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.26) Do it for Johnny!!27) Here’s Johnny!!28) Phone Home.29) I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle. 30) Tell Victor that Ramon, the fella he met about a week ago – tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10. 31) What are you looking at? You’ve never seen a guy who slept with a fish before. 32) No such thing bad student. Only bad teacher.33) I wish I were big. 34) I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. 35) I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for the last 40 years. 36) Someone once wrote ”Hell is the impossibility of reason.” that’s what this place feels like. Hell.37) Never call a broad more than once a week. Never, ever, ever!!! **********************Answers*************************** 1) Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison? AIRPLANE 2) We’re on a mission from God. THE BLUES BROTHERS 3) People on ‘ludes should not drive. FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH 4) This house is clean. POLTERGEIST 5) Shall we play a game? WAR GAMES 6) Terrific!! I’ve got a trig mid-term tomorrow, and I’m being chased by Guido the killer pimp. RISKY BUSINESS 7) Back off man, I’m a scientist. GHOSTBUSTERS 8) That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else. SIXTEEN CANDLES 9) I know a little German. He’s sitting over there. TOP SECRET10) Can I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo. FLETCH11) Excuse me, Dick, I mean Rich, will milk be provided for us? BREAKFAST CLUB12) There are several quitessential moments in a man’s life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you. ST. ELMO’S FIRE13) You don’t have time to think up there. If you think, you’re dead. TOP GUN14) Come on guys, by the time we get there the kid won’t be dead anymore. STAND BY ME 15) I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel with you. DIRTY DANCING 16) Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. FERRIS BUELLERS DAY OFF17) Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn’t we keep the PC on the QT? Cause of the leaks to the VC, he could end up MIA and then we’d all be put out in KP. GOOD MORNING VIETNAM18) Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues. ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING19) I’m the ghost with the most, babe. BEETLEJUICE20) I’m an excellent driver. RAINMAN21) A hundred million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with smaller feet than my sister. DIE HARD22) Now if it was a collect call, that would have been daring. DEAD POET’S SOCIETY23) I believe in long, slow, deep soft wet kisses that last three days. BULL DURHAM24) Christmas is over, and business is business. SCROOGED25) Men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way. WHEN HARRY MET SALLY 26) Do it for Johnny!! THE OUTSIDERS27) Here’s Johnny!! THE SHINING28) Phone Home. ET29) I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle. A CHRISTMAS STORY 30) Tell Victor that Ramon, the fella he met about a week ago – tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10. BEVERLY HILLS COP31) What are you looking at? You’ve never seen a guy who slept with a fish before. SPLASH32) No such thing bad student. Only bad teacher. THE KARATE KID33) I wish I were big. BIG34) I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?35) I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for the last 40 years. STEEL MAGNOLIAS36) Someone once wrote ”Hell is the impossibility of reason.” That’s what this place feels like. Hell. PLATOON37) Never call a broad more than once a week. Never, ever, ever!!! ABOUT LAST NIGHT
The talking peanut.
This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, ‘hey there buddy,’ it hollers, ‘you’re looking mighty fine tonight!’
The guy can’t believe what he is seeing. ‘This sure is some strong beer!’ He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak ,’hey asshole, go screw yourself!’ it yells.
The guy can’t believe it and decides to ask the bartender what’s going on. ‘Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men’s room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.’
‘Let me explain,’ replies the bartender ‘the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.’
Yo’ Mommas Fat
Ya momma’s so fat I have to take two trains and a bus just to get on her good side