A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “Maybe we’d better tell him it’s a septic tank.”
Author: admin
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Impotent Farmer
An impotent farmer was having trouble in bed for close to a year now and he just didn’t know what to do. He ate Viagra like M&M’s but it never seemed to help. Well anyways the farmer had a couple cows that he wanted to breed, and he went down to his neighbor farmer to ask to borrow a bull for a day. The neighbor farmer said yes, and the impotant farmer loaded the bull into the box of his pickup. When he got back home he put the bull in with the lady cows. The lady cows were sure interested in the bull, but the bull would not go near them for some odd reason. The impotent farmer went back to his neighbors and asked why the bull wouldn’t screw his cows. The other farmer said “Oh sorry bout dat he gets like that sometimes, what you otta do is stick your finger there in one uh yah lady cows pussy’s and rub it on his nose.”The impotent farmer went home and tried it on the bull, and sure enough the bull got all three cows and went back for more about five minutes later. The impotent farmer was totally shocked. He went home that night after a hard days work in the field, and climbed into bed. His wife was asleep next to him and he got an idea. He figured if it worked on the cow it might work on him. So he pulled down his sleeping wife’s panties and stuck his finger down there and rubbed it on his nose. Sure enough he was hard in an instant. The farmer was so happy about this he just had to show his wife.”Honey wake up honey, turn on the light and take a look at this.”His wife wakes up turns on the light and says “You woke me up just to show me you had a bloody nose.”
Lieberman’s Law: Everybody lies,
Lieberman’s Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter, because nobody listens.
Monster in a village
Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.
So fat
Yo Mommas so fat she tripped over k-mart and landed on target.
What happened to the
What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Top 10 Bush Campaign Slogans
Editor’s note: Actually a list from the 2000 election, but what the hey…
1. I’ll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3. I’ll finish what Bill started — the interns.
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
7. New penal plan: I won’t use mine!
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
Alternative Russian Roulette
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded – you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette”.
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex – take your pick”.
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part?
Where’s the danger?”
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, “One of them is a cannibal”
Three year olds
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Horse Jockey?
A Horse Jockey is ALLOWED to ride 3 year olds.
Tennis elbow
If tennis players get tennis elbow, what do gynecologists get?
Tunnel vision!
Submitted by Curtis
Eduted by yisman
Gay guy in bar
The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing about who had the biggest dick. So he yelled out: “I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest.” They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed their dick up on the bar. At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: “May I help you?” To which he responds: “Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord.”