Author: admin

To All Students!

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Memo to all students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all
students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.
on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately
placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are
especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you
can handle.

Students who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to
go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our
lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don’t have
to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management
and consulting, we will refer you to the department of
MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in
their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T.,
they have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank You for your
time.

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity
Teaching. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)

Letters from Little Billy

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The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s
column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I
have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling
on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s
always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring
we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We
sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire–you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in
Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went
last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto
beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We
should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.
He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s
changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of
my little Billy’s letters.

**********
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the
only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is
the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic
Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used
to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?
It’s spell checked too.

**********
Dear Mom,
Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I
don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often.
You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That
wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off,
Mom. I’m okay, really.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the
best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm
code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says
it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket
protector and a box of blank diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on
the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay.
Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good
at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I
got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes.
Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick
is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t
call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.
Signed, William.

**********
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so
upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t
real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me,
the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my
program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is
sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six
weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.
Regards, William.

**********
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True–physically I am only ten
years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try
again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the
bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not
kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only
warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain
me.
Sincerely, William.

**********

See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my
little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it’s probably
too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these
letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming,
please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

Jesus

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One day a crowd of people were throwing stones at a hooker. Jesus stepped forth and said, “May he who is without sin, cast the next stone.” All the people looked at Jesus, and began to feel bad and turn away. Suddenly, a woman stepped forward, picked up a stone, and nailed the hooker right between the eyes. The crowd looked at the woman in disbelief, and Jesus also looked at her. “What?” the woman said. Jesus nodded his head and replied, “You don’t count mom!”

Bad Day at the Drug Store

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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”

The True Meanings of Asian Names…

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The True Meanings of Asian Names

Wa Shing Kah—————- Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim—————— Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting————- There is no reason to raise your voice
Ai Bang Mai Ne————– I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat—————– You need a face lift
Dung On Mai Shu————- I stepped in #$%*
Dum Gai——————— A stupid person
Gun Pao Der—————– An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung————— Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding————- We have reason to believe you are harboring
a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun————— A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia——————— Approach me
Lao Ze Sho—————— Gilligan’s Island
Lao Zi———————- Not very good
Lin Ching——————- An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding————— A great achievement of the American space
program
Ne Ahn———————- A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai——————– A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be————— A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne—————- A small horse
Tai Ne Ba Bol————— A Don Ho song (see “Yu Mai Te Tan”, below)
Ten Ding Ba—————– Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung—————- A person with T.B. or Cancer
u Mai Te Tan————— Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you