Author: admin

Blonde quickies 141-160

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141. Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

142. Q: Why did they stop doing the “WAVE” at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

143. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

144. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1:
10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three…one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

145. Q: Why don’t blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn’t go to 700 degrees.

146. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

147. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W’s.

148. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

149. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

150. Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They’re mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

151. Q: What did the blonde’s mum say to her before the blonde’s date.
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

152. Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer?
A: ” I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N….ah, oh well.. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea…”

153. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it “good for up to 20 pounds.”

154. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

155. Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

156. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

157. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

158. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

159. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Nice tits!”

160. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

You call that a costume?

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A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.’Where is your costume?’ the husband asked. ‘This is it,’ replied his wife. ‘What the heck kind of costume is that?’ asked the husband. ‘Why, I am going as Puss and Boots,’ explains the wife. ‘Now hurry and get your costume on.’ The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. ‘What the heck kind of costume is that?’ asked the wife. ‘I am a fire alarm,’ he replied. ‘A fire alarm?’ she repeated laughing. ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come.’

Miscommunication

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A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead
body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short
distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American
soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still
barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head
and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to
the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an
unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’ He looked me right in the
eye and shouted back, ‘Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying
piece of trash too!’ We were standing there shaking hands when
the truck hit us.”

The Y2K Song….

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(With apologies to Country Joe McDonald, who had nothing to do with this parody.)Gimme a Y! Y!Gimme a 2! 2!Gimme a K! K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!Yeah, come on all of you, big strong nerds,Uncle Sam’s laid a bunch of turds.He’s got himself in a terrible placeWay down yonder in cyberspaceSo put down your books and pick up a mouse,We’re gonna fix this whole damn house.And it’s one, two, three,What are we coding for ?< Yippiee! >Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,Next stop is on the LAN;And it’s five, six, seven,Open up for William Gates,Well there ain’t no time to wonder why,Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

Dating Terms

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LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG – a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

Grand Father Clock

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A man sees a beautiful Grand Father Clock in a store and, just has to have it. Unfortunately, it takes all of his cash to pay for it and he cannot afford the forty dollar delivery charge. He elects to take it home himself, in the back of his Station Wagon.

As he is struggling to carry it out of the front of the store to his auto, a staggering drunk stumbles into him and knocks the clock to the sidewalk, smashing it!

The man is furrious! He shouts, “WHY DON’T YOU LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING?!”

The drunk looks back at him in disgust, and replies, “Why can’t you carry a watch like everyone else?”

Stupid, Shutup, and Manners

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There once were 3 boys named Stupid, Shutup, and Manners. One day Stupid got lost(because hes STUPID!) so Shutup went to the police. The police said, “Whats your name kid?” Shutup said, “Shutup.” “Whats your name kid!” yelled the police men ” Shutup!” said Shutup again. “GRRR! WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!” yelled the police men. “Stupid!” Shutup said. “WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!” yelled the policemen. “STUPID!” said Shutup. “GRR! YOU GET ON MY NERVES! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS!” yelled the police men. Shutup pointed to Manners and said,”Over there.”

At the end Shutup never found Stupid and they lived miserably ever after.

Top 15 Signs That

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Top 15 Signs That You’ve Had Too Much Of the 90’s

15. You try to enter your password on the microwave

14. You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back ”What’s for dinner?”

11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

9. Your daughter just bought on CD, all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

8. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of you car.

4. Your reason for not staying in touch with your family is that they do not have e-mail address.

3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

And the Number 1 sign that your had too much of the 90’s….

1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.