Tattoo

A very distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk dress and points to her right inner thigh… very high up.

“Right here,” she says, “I want you to tattoo a turkey, and underneath it I want the word ‘Thanksgiving’.”

Then she points to her left thigh… just as high up, and says “On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top, and underneath it I want the word ‘Christmas’.

The owner looks at her. “Uh, lady, it’s none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I’ve ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?”

“Well,” the lady said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there’s never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

FAX!!

There were three guys in a steam room a european guy, a italian guy , and a chinese guy. They were all enjoying the steam and sweat when they heard a beeping sound the european guy pulled up his skin and said its my wife dont worry, the italian guy said “you have a beeper built into your skin?” “Yeah i always lose it!” So the next thing they hear is the ring of a telephone so the chinese guy puts his hand to his ear and starts talking, the italian guy says “You have a cellphone built into your hand?” “Yeah i always leave it at work!” So after all that the italian guy needed to take a dump, so he went to the bathroom and came back with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his butt, the chinese says “Yo man you have a piece of toilet paper sticking out of your butt!” “No im waiting for a fax!”

The “Perfect” Day!

The Perfect Day According To…

HER
8:45 – Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 – 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 – Light breakfast
11:00 – Sunbathe
12:30 – Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 – Shopping
2:30 – Run into husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30lbs.
3:00 – Facial, massage, nap
7:30 – Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 – Make love
11:30 – Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 – Wake up
10:02 – SEX
10:10 – Big Breakfast
11:30 – Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 – Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 – SEX
3:25 – Play sports with the guys
4:30 – Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 – Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 – SEX
6:50 – Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 – Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 – Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 – Sleep
2:30 – Fart

Headache Cure

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..”.He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear”.”Yes! Exactly! How did you know?””Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.”Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

OJ’s Kid

A mama duck, baby duck, mama skunk, and baby skunk were all
crossing the road when the 2 mama animals got ran over. The baby
duck asked the baby skunk, “What am I? What am I?” “Well you got
a beek and feathers you must be a duck.”

“What am I?” asked the skunk. “Well you’re black and white and
your mama was just killed. You must be one of OJ’s kids.”

How do you know if you’re in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE – When your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care.

LOVE – When you share everything you own.

LUST – When you think twice about giving your partner bus money.

MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.