What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Author: admin
The Good Part
“A family was watching the film: ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told’ together.
Their seven year old daughter was greatly moved.
As Jesus journeyed to Calvary, tears rolled down her cheeks. She was
absolutely silent until after Jesus had been laid in the tomb.
Then, catching her father’s eyes, she suddenly grinned: “Now,” she said,
“comes the GOOD part!”
Paint
A commuter from New Jersey drives through the Lincoln Tunnel and into Times Square.
At a red light, he is approached by a prostitute, who says, “Listen, honey, it’s been a slow night. I’ll do anything you want for a hundred dollars, as long as you can tell me in three words.”
“Okay,” he replies. “Paint my house.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
If you are given two
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
Wheres god?
There two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two
boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought
for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the
two boys went to talk to the pastor and the pastor asked the smallest child to
come in and talk to him. well the pastor asked the young child “do you believe
in god?” the young boy answered shyly “yes” so the pastor said ok “do you know
where god is?” the young boy had a puzzled look on his face and said “nope” so
the pastor said again “do you know where god is?” the boy looked back and said
“i alreay told you no” so the pastor asked a last time “do you know where god
is?” at that time the boy ran out the room and to his older brother. The older
brother asked “whats wrong?” the young boy answered “were in big trouble now”
“oh well were always in trouble whats the big deal?” the young boy answered “now
God is missing and they thing we’ve done it.”
Which to Marry?
A guy decides it’s time to get marry. He gives each of his current
girlfriends $1,000. One spends $200 on clothes, puts $800 in the bank.
Second spends $800 on clothes, puts $200 in the bank. Third puts the whole
$1,000 in the bank.
Q: Which one did he marry?
A: The one with the big boobs.
Yo mama is so old
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Fidel muere y llega al
Fidel muere y llega al cielo pero no estaba en la lista, as� que San Pedro lo manda al infierno. Cuando llega al infierno, Satan�s lo recibe y le dice:
“�Hola Fidel! Te estaba esperando, pasa que ac� estar�s como en casa.”
Fidel le responde: “Gracias Satan�s, pero estuve primero en el cielo y dej� olvidadas mis maletas all�.”
“No te preocupes”, replica Satan�s, “voy a enviar a dos diablitos a recoger tus cosas.”
Asi es como dos diablitos llegan a las puertas del cielo, pero las encuentran cerradas pues San Pedro estaba almorzando.
“No importa”, le dice uno al otro, “trepamos la puerta y sacamos las maletas sin molestar a nadie.”
Empiezan a subir la puerta cuando dos angelitos que pasaban por all� los ven y un angelito le dice al otro: “No hace ni diez minutos que Fidel est� en el infierno y ya tenemos refugiados.”
Learn’t from kids
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For
those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN…(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot
house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass
can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year
old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
The Train
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!”
The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Hungry Gator
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. “Do you serve lawyers in here?”, the man inquires.”Sure do!”, replied the bartender.”Great!”, the man said. “I’ll have a Coors Light, and how ’bout a lawyer for my ‘gator.”
Jr
there was a little kid named jr and he hurd is sisther say bicth and he asked is sisther what does bicth mean and his sisther said it means a old lady and then he hurd is dad say shit and he asked hid dad what does shit mean and he said food and then he hurdd hid mom say fuck and he asked hid mom wat does fuck mean and she said when your changing your close so his grandma came to hid house and he esaid come in bicth there is shit on thee table and my parrnts are fucking up stars