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The Top 15 Signs Santa’s Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part I)

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15> Five minutes into the Christmas Eve flight, it becomes apparent someone Ex-Laxed the reindeer’s feed.

14> More and more break room discussions about joining the military — especially after Legolas’ e-mail detailing the primo tail that the boys in archery are scoring.

13> Too many elves are spending their lunch hour huddled around the bong-assembly line.

12> The wheels on the latest batch of toy trucks look suspiciously like last year’s leftover Barbie heads.

11> Children start receiving gifts like “Chainsaw Massacre Legos,” “Transgendered Raggedy Ann/dy” and “Melted Mass of Crayons.”

10> Them ain’t Lincoln Logs on the conveyor belt.

9> After just one hour, a shaken Tony Robbins emerges from his North Pole “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, quietly gives Santa a refund, then wishes him luck and leaves.

8> They’re *all* scheduled to appear on Dr. Phil December 26th.

7> Toy rifle production had to be out-sourced to a South Korean ClausCo subsidiary after a rash of devastating workplace corking rampages.

6> Frequent nooners in the reindeer stalls.

5> No longer enthusiastically participating in Hawaiian Shirt Fridays.

4> Let’s just say that Santa’s gonna be looking for a new ride when he finds out the truth about the venison stew for this year’s holiday party.

3> The toy trains? Nothing but salami and duct tape.

2> This year’s hot new toy: the Amazing, Incredible Rough-Hewn Block of Wood!

1> “Hello? FBI? I have information about that grandma who got run over.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

1. Not spending enough quality

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1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.2. Came dressed in only a towel…again.3. Ran out of paper clips.4. I’ve decided to telecommute.5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.6. It’s a long drive home to Texas.7. One-day sale at Macy’s.8. My brain is melting!9. I think they found me out…10. Accidently erased the whole week’s work off the computer disk.

But Im winning

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You are such a dumb blonde that one day at lucnch you were stadind at the juice machine putting money in. And of course ever time you put money in a juice came out. The person behind you said “excuse me but I think it’s my turn. I must have been standing here for like 3 hours.”” Well all you had to say to her was”” Shut up Im winning””!

“

ARE YOU AN ENGINEER?

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If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.
If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids’ toys.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and
your camera’s flash attachment.
If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you own ‘Official Star Trek’ anything.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work, and you rush up to
the front to fix it.
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have
seen most of the shows already
If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get
enough sleep.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what http:/ stands for.
If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or
Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.