After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. ”What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, ”Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied, ”I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Author: admin
In Defnese of Marraige
� Ronald Reagan – divorced the mother of two of his children to marry Nancy Reagan, who bore him a daughter only 7 months after the marriage.
� Bob Dole – divorced the mother of his child, who had nursed him through the long recovery from his war wounds.
� Newt Gingrich – divorced his wife who was dying of cancer.
� Dick Armey – House Majority Leader – divorced
� Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas – divorced
� Gov. John Engler of Michigan – divorced
� Gov. Pete Wilson of California – divorced
� George Will – divorced
� Sen. Lauch Faircloth – divorced
� Rush Limbaugh – Rush and his current wife Marta have six marriages and four divorces between them.
� Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia – Barr, not yet 50 years old, has been married three times. Barr had the audacity to author and push the “Defense of Marriage Act.” The current joke making the rounds on Capitol Hill is “Bob Barr…WHICH marriage are you defending?!?
� Sen. Alfonse D’Amato of New York – divorced
� Sen. John Warner of Virginia – divorced (once married to Liz Taylor.)
� Gov. George Allen of Virginia – divorced
� Henry Kissinger – divorced
� Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho – divorced
� Sen. John McCain of Arizonia – divorced
� Rep. John Kasich of Ohio – divorced
� Rep. Susan Molinari of New York – Republican National Convention Keynote Speaker – divorced
So … homosexuals are going to destroy the institution of marriage? Wait a minute, it seems the Christian Republicans are doing a fine job without anyone’s help!
Blind pilot
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”
Punishment For Bigamy
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mother-in-law’s!
Why email is like a
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call “E-mail Envy,” 6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.4. If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.2. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lotof trouble. And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a Penis…1. If you play with it too much, you’ll go blind.
Your favorite hunting dog has
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.Your masseuse uses lard.Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
Help! Poleesh!
Here’s one I made up while in the sixth grade. It’s a sixth-grade joke, but no worse than the one just read! A drunk was sitting in his car in the parking lot outside a bar, yelling: “Help! Poleesh! I’ve been robbed!” The cop on the beat came to him & said, “What’s wrong?” The drunk said, “Look for yourshelf! They took my shteering wheel, my inshtrument panel; they even took my pedalsh!” The policeman said, “No problem; everything’s right up here in the front seat!”
The PDP
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6.”What are you doing?”, asked Minsky.”I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe.” “Why is the net wired randomly?”, asked Minsky.”I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play.” Minsky shut his eyes.”Why do you close your eyes?”, Sussman asked his teacher.”So the room will be empty.” At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
PROBLEMS
A WOMAN WAS JUMPING OF A CLIFF AND A MAN CAME UP 2 HER HE SAID CAN SHE GIVE HIM A BJ SHE SAID YES. WHEN THEY HAD FINISHED HE SAIN WHY ARE U JUMPING, SHE SAID BECAUSE HER MUM AND DAD DONT LIKE HER BECAUSE HE IS A CROSS DRESSER
Belmont Abbey
Q: How many Belmont Abbey students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three – one to hold the candle, one to light the flint, and the other to pray that it works.
Black people
Why dont Black people dream????
because the last one that did got shot
The Fastest Camel
A man had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.
The man was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store advertising the following:
WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
The man looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him,” What can I do for you?”.
“Well, sir,” the man replies, ” I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.”
The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.”
“O.K. Let’s do it.”
The vendor says,” Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.”
While the man is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.
“Stand back,” he cautions the traveler.
The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s balls.
The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hell.
“Wow!,” said the man,”That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?”
The vendor says with a smile,”Please step onto the platform, sir.”