There are three fifth grade girls, a blonde, and brunett,and a redhead. Which one has the biggest boobs?
The blonde because she is 18!
Author: admin
Yo mama is so ugley
yo mama is so uglet,when she looks in the mirror,her reflaction ducks
Gun-toting Panda (Classic)
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
Things not to say during sex!
Things Not To Say During Sex
Girls shouldn’t say:
You woke me up for that?
Do you smell something burning?
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
Got any penicillin?
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
I want a baby!
But everybody looks funny naked!
Did I mention the video camera?
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
Did I remember to take my pill?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance…
You’re almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
I have a confession…
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please
I think biting is romantic- don’t you?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?
Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?
Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.
So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!
Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…
——————————-
Guys shouldn’t say:
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
(holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
But I just brushed my teeth…
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You’re good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel…
No, really… I do this part better myself!
It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people…
That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
Now I know why he dumped you…
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
You can cook, too right?
Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses…
How long do you plan to be “almost there”?
You mean you’re NOT my blind date?
Una joven y atractiva actriz
Una joven y atractiva actriz de cine le comenta a una amiga:
“En mi pr�xima pel�cula voy a aparecer totalmente desnuda…”
Hace una pausa y luego, echando chispas por los ojos y con voz enfurecida, agrega:
“�Es que quiero demostrarles a esos cr�ticos patanes que no s�lo soy una cara bonita!”
Difference Between M
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.
Drool
What did George Bush get on his S.A.T.’s?
Drool.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Verdi!Verdi who?Verdi been
Knock KnockWho’s there?Verdi!Verdi who?Verdi been all day!
Nudist Colony
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says….. “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style….it makes your nose look too short!”
ADVERTISING LINGO
NEW – Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.
UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.
HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.
Q: How many Canadians
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.
Taxman wins $1000
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”