Model of Efficiency

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket. The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment. The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters’ trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesn’t need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out. The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter replied, “That’s easy…. I use the spoon.”

Off the cliff!

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

“Good lord, mister,” he gasped, “are you drunk?”

“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. “What the hell do you think I am…a stunt driver!”

An Illinois man who left

An Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the
next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out
a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. You�re
Loving Husband.

P.S: Sure is hot down here.

US Military Then & Now

1945 – we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home. 2000 – they put the real thing in the cockpit. 1945 – your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive. 2000 – she is in the same trench praying your condom worked. 1945 – medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. 2000 – medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters. 1945 – a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. 2000 – a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt. 1945 – wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories. 2000 – wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.1945 – all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again. 2000 – all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.