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The World’s Shortest Books

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The World’s Shortest Books

25. “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by O.J. Simpson
24. “To All The Men I’ve Loved Before” by Ellen DeGeneres
23. “The Book of Virtues” by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit – A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
6. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

Hillary home early

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One small plane flies into restricted airspace and did you see all the people rushing out of the Capital? It was unbelievable.

That was the fastest Congress ever moved that didn’t involve giving themselves a pay raise.

What was really scary was Tom DeLay. He had to get 25 family members on the payroll out of there.

There hasn’t been this kind of panic and evacuation in the White House since that night in ’98 when Hillary came home early.

Free Beers

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Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a beer.After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents,Bruce came up with a brilliant idea.”I’ll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!” He went into a butcher’s shop and bought a single sausage,which he stuck in Joe’s fly. They then went to a nearby bar.”Two beers,” said Bruce to the barman. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joe’s fly.”Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!” the barman screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.”I just can’t do this anymore,” Bruce whined.”My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. We’ll have to swap places.””We can’t,” said Joe.”We lost the sausage after the third pub.”

Confucius Says

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Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat
in girl.

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong–man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate–come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.

22 de julio de 1976:

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22 de julio de 1976:
Hoy cumplo cinco a�os. Mi mam� me cont� que cuando nac�, el doctor fue a la sala de espera y le dijo a mi papi: “Hicimos todo lo que pudimos pero lamentablemente sali� vivo”.

6 de junio de 1980:
Hoy, mi madre me confes� que nunca me dej� mamar sus senos. Dice que s�lo me quer�a como amigo.

12 de noviembre de 1981:
Hoy fui secuestrado. Los secuestradores me cortaron un dedo y se lo enviaron a mis padres para pedir recompensa. Mi padre les contest� que quer�a m�s pruebas.

25 de diciembre, Navidad de 1982:
Hoy me di cuenta que mis padres me odian. Me regalaron un juguete para que lo use en la ba�era: una plancha el�ctrica.

D�a del Padre, 1983:
Le regal� una billetera y una foto m�a a mi pap�. Tom� la billetera, la abri�… y prefiri� dejar la foto que vino dentro.

En un d�a de feria, 1984:
Hoy me perd� entre la gente. Le pregunt� al polic�a si cre�a que �bamos a encontrar a mis padres. Me contest�: “No lo s�, muchacho, hay un mont�n de lugares donde pudieron haberse escondido”.

30 de agosto, 1993:
Hoy muri� mi padre. Su �ltimo deseo antes de morir fue que me sentara en sus piernas. Lo condenaron a la silla el�ctrica.

3 de febrero, 1996:
Hoy renunci� a mi primer trabajo. Era en una tienda de animales. La gente no paraba de preguntarle al due�o cuanto costaba el gorila.

14 de febrero, D�a de los Enamorados, 1996:
Hoy me llam� una chica a mi casa y me dijo: “Es D�a de los Enamorados. Ven a mi casa ahora que no hay nadie”. Cuando llegu�, no hab�a nadie.

15 de abril, 1998:
Hoy es el d�a de mi boda. Estoy muy feliz. Espero que mi esposa la est� pasando bien. Est� en Londres, de luna de miel, con su jefe.

26 de abril, 1998:
A mi esposa le gusta mucho hablar conmigo despu�s del sexo. Hoy me llam� a casa desde un hotel.

27 de abril, 1998:
No aguanto la infidelidad de mi mujer. Hoy intent� suicidarme y me tom� un frasco entero de aspirinas. Me llevaron al hospital y el doctor me dijo: “Para que no le vuelva a pasar t�mese una cerveza con un aderezo de cianuro”.

28 de abril, 1998:
Me llevaron con un psiquiatra. �l me dijo que yo estaba loco. Le respond� que quer�a escuchar una segunda opini�n. “De acuerdo, adem�s de loco, usted est� muy feo”.

4 de mayo, 1998:
Me iba a suicidar tir�ndome desde la azotea de un edificio de 50 pisos. Enviaron a un sacerdote a darme unas palabras de aliento; sus palabras fueron: “En sus marcas, listos…”

Consulting Advice in the Restaurant Biz

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A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization…

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” he answered, lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.” “How so?” “See,” he continued, “by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.”

“Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, lowering his voice even further, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

Less Common Latin Phrases

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Less Common Latin Phrases

Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we’ll still be friends.

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I’m home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That’s nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Vacca foeda
Stupid cow

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let’s all wear mood rings!

Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan’s Island

Jake was dying

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Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“Becky, my darling,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice. “I have something that I must confess.”

“There isn’t anything to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything’s alright, go to sleep.”

“No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I… I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

“I know,” whispered Becky, “that’s why I poisoned you.”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

War Wound?

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A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.”What the hell is that?” he asks.”War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes”Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!”What the hell is that?””War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes”The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!”War wound??””Naah, my zipper’s stuck”