Author: admin

Some Star Wars: A New Hope Questions Answered

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Many people seem to not enjoy these movies because they think “that could
never happen” and things like that. These are the answers to the most
commonly asked questions. Hopefully, you will finally find peace.

STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (Episode V + VI to come)

Q: Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it doesn’t stop
laser blasts?
A: Because they’ve indoctrinated the entire population to be scared
shitless of people in white armor.

Q: How does the Death Star travel move from system to system?
A: A real big rubber band.

Q: Why does Death Star have that trench around it?
A: That’s where the rubber band fits.

Q: If Darth Vader was strong with the force, how come he didn’t notice Han
Solo coming to shoot him near the end?
A: He was busy trying to figure out how come the kid in the X-wing seemed
so familiar.

Q: Why can Death Star’s prison doors be opened without a key of any kind?
A: Everyone aboard the Death Star is on the same side.

Q: Why was Luke carrying around a string with a hook on the end in the
first place?
A: It came with his stormtrooper armor; their equipment belts are sort of
like Swiss Army knives.

Q: Why doesn’t Chewie get a medal at the end?
A: Official explanation, from the old Official Star Wars Fan Club: medals
are against his religion.

Q: How does Han consider Chewie? Sometimes he treats him like a human, and
other times like a pet (patting him on the head)?
A: It would seem Lucas couldn’t make up his mind. Several early drafts of
the script include descriptions like “Chewbacca and his master.” I once
read a fan-fiction story that included a conversation between Han Solo
and Harrison Ford. At one point, Ford asked about Han’s relationship
with Chewie; the response was, “Nothing like that, we’re just good
friends.”

Q: If Obi-Wan a long time ago hid Luke away from Darth Vader, why didn’t he
change Luke’s name?
A: I have not the remotest idea.

Tough Kid

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A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what’s up. He’s quite embarassed and whispers that he had just recently been circumcised and he’s quite itchy.

The teacher has him go down to the principal’s office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there’s a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

‘I thought I told you to call your mom,’ she says.

‘I did,’ he says. ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’

Husband

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Jo’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside each and every day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”

“When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What, dear?” Jo gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The class reunion!

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A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he’s very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

“How have you been?” he asks.
“I’ve been fine, just fine,” she replies, “Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.”

“Bad news first, please.”

“Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.”
“Oh my, that’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!”

Yuck!!

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There was an old woman. She went into a store and asked the clerk in a shaky voice, “do you know what a dildo is?”
The clerk said, “yes”.

In a shaky voice she asked, “do you sell them?”

“Why yes” the clerk answeresd.

In a shakier voice she asked, “do you know how to use them?”

“I guess so” said the clerk.

The old woman, trembling asked, “do you know how to turn them off?”

Dr. Seuss’s Guide to the Internet

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Here’s an easy game to play.

Here’s an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,

Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this? What a shame, sir!

We’ll find you Another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol

That’s repeatedly rejected by your printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Give the Frog a Loan

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A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, “What do you have for collateral?”

The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, “I don’t know. I’m going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this.”

He goes into Mr. Larson’s office and comes back.

Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says, “It’s a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan!”

Facelift

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A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you’ll
have to come back in six months for a follow-up.” “Oh, no.” the
woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to
have to come back.” The doctor thinks for a second, then offers,
“There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of
your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just
give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they
disappear.” “That’s what I want!” exclaims the lady. “Let’s do
that.”

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.
“How’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks. “Terrible!”
the lady bellows. “It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”
“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor. “Just look at these bags under
my eyes!” she hollers. “Lady,” the doctor reports, “those aren’t
bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw
alone, you’re going to have a beard!”